Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Glass Eye! Glass Eye!

We kind of have mixed emotions here. On the one hand we follow the San Diego Chargers. In fact, we were so pleased with Sunday night's victory over the Denver Broncos that we almost said no to those last three fingers of Jameson. Almost.

On the other hand we like to laugh at the misfortune of the Oakland/Los Angeles Raiders. And the Raiders firing of Mike Shanahan, followed by his team soundly throttling the Raiders practically every time they play is pretty amusing.

We are happy at the Shanahan firing for one reason. Foot-Long Dodger wife has, purely through anecdotal evidence, determined that Mike Shanahan uses a certain prosthetic appliance. And every time he is shown during an NFL broadcast Mrs. Foot-Long Dodger Blog is compelled to scream, "Glass Eye! Glass Eye!"

Hopefully his next job is outside of the AFC West.

You be the judge.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Furcal to Return in 2009

Like a good eBayer, Ned moved in and sniped a slightly used Rafael Furcal auction. This was an imperative for the Dodgers. And in no way should the shopping list be called completed. Time to find some power Ned.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Furcal Wants to be a Dodger

Tim Brown says Rafael Furcal is nearing a decision. Of course if he wanted to chase the bread, he would have already signed with Oakland. And Kansas City? That's kind of like moving to Barstow. You don't choose Kansas City, you end up there.

We're ambivalent here. We love Furcal when he's healthy, which hasn't been often. But if Ned doesn't sign Furcal,
look for Jack Wilson in Dodger blue. Therein (therein?) lies the problem. If Colletti doesn't want to pay Furcal, what sense does it make to pay 75 percent of his asking price to a dude that's not even half the player?

Jon Weisman says the Dodgers should address their outfield woes rather than concentrate on Furcal. Our question: why can't they do both?

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Does Anybody Have Ross Porter's Number?

By now everyone knows that the Dodgers are looking for some help on the TV broadcast. Of course we knew that before Tom Hoffarth told us that Charley Steiner was relegated to the full-time radio gig.

Read into this however you may, but the Dodgers have decided that having a consistent radio broadcast team means Charley Steiner won't be doing any TV work during the 2009 season.

We've always been critical of the dumping of
Ross Porter, and say what you will of him, the Vinless portion of the Dodger broadcasts has been mediocre at best ever since. We doubt that even Porter's detractors would say it's better.

As former flackers we recognize the opportunity here for the McCourts to drum up some good pub and improve the broadcast by bringing Porter back to the Dodger family. After all, whoever (whomever?) gets the job is going to be the guy who'll likely assume the reigns in post Vin Scully Dodgerdom (we literally cry ourselves to sleep every night at that thought) and that tends to go badly. Ask
Paul Sunderland.

The PR gaffes under the McCourt regime have been numerous and mostly funny.
How about the time they called during Dodgertalk to complain that the hosts were (host was?) not sympathetic enough to the team? Seriously guys, nobody likes a homer. And what is the reason that Frank McCourt needs to shove his mug into more cameras than Villaraigosa? They do know that having him as the face of the franchise damages the brand, right?

That was an aside (digression?). Here's the deal. We know it won't be Porter. Although if it were, we'd want it written into his deal that he got to drag his nuts across Frank McCourt's lips one time as a repayment for the professional disrespect he endured. We don't mind Jim "Watty" Watson or Bill "Billy Mac" McDonald. Those dudes are pros with LA cred. Just remember -
nobody likes a homer.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Ned Colletti Thinks it's 1996

Not content to let those chardonnay sipping elitists in Frisco monopolize every past-his-prime-never-was ballplayer in the NL West, our boy Ned is reportedly interested in Omar Vizquel as a fallback option at shortstop.

For the Dodgers? The Los Angeles Dodgers? In 2009? Not Omar Vizquel Jr., but the actual Omar Vizquel? We're talking about the older gentleman that used to be a major league shortstop? Did he learn how to throw the knuckleball?

Tony Jackson:

He clearly would be nothing more than a fallback plan if the club doesn't sign Rafael Furcal, he'll turn 42 in April, and he hasn't hit better than .250 in three years. But he IS an 11-time Gold Glove winner and would be another excellent addition to the clubhouse. He also would shore up the SS position for a year until Ivan De Jesus is ready, although he wouldn't come close to providing the offense Furcal did.


Vizquel had outgrown his usefulness the first time Ned signed him - in 2005. On what planet is Omar Vizquel a more appealing "fallback" than Chin-Lung Hu?

Sabean has to be laughing at this one.


Diamond Leung says no:

Colletti indicated the team wasn't looking at free-agent shortstop Omar Vizquel as an option.

Damn. So close.


Tony Jackson got some bad info:

By the way, I got bad info earlier. The Dodgers are NOT interested in Omar Vizquel.

So much bullshit comes out of those meetings, still it's something one easily could see Ned doing.

Sabathia Gets Paid

According to everyone CC Sabathia is getting crazy money to go to the Yankees.

We're way too lazy and dumb to understand WHIP and ERA+ and BABIP. However, we do know fat. CC Sabathia is fat. He also threw a ridiculous amount of innings last season which makes for a bad combo. Don't get us wrong he's probably got a couple of nice years left, but a fat 28-year-old dude can get by on his youth. A fat 32-year-old dude no longer has youth on his side. Just ask Andruw Jones.

And nobody need remind us that Babe Ruth was also very fat. David Wells and Charles Barkley are pretty fat too. We're generally pro obesity, particularly when it comes to professional athletes.
Terry Forster and John Kruk are two of our favorites (we've been scouring YouTube for the Late Night clip with Forster eating a sandwich). We're just saying that if we were to invest $160 million in a dude, we'd prefer he not be fat.

Of course we root for a team that signs old, kinda fat, and
definitely injured dudes.

Couldn't find the clip we wanted, but this one's pretty good.

This Simply Cannot be True

What's the big deal with signing a free agent power pitcher with a torn rotator cuff? Oh by the way his current team is making no attempt to resign him. Don't sweat it - we've got insurance!

From Bill Shaikin:

"At the time the Dodgers entered into the policy with ACE," the suit reads, "both the Dodgers and ACE were aware that Mr. Schmidt had for some time during his career with the San Francisco Giants been suffering from a partial tear of the rotator cuff in his right [pitching] shoulder."

We're not sure why, but we love this story. How many people had to sign off on this deal? What's the premium to insure a $47 million contract on a dude that's already injured?

We're starting to love the Cabal of Ineptitude.

Your Move Mr. Sabean

I'll see your Renteria, and raise you one Casey Blake. Any chance Sabean goes all in with Joe Crede?

Blake's decent enough although the price seems a bit steep. We're in the MSTI camp. If the Twins were unwilling to guarantee a third year, why didn't the Dodgers just offer two years and one dollar more than the Twins? In year three this guy's going to be old as hell, powerless and riding the pine a la Nomar.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

How Very Brian Sabean of You

Thankfully Brian Sabean is around to keep Ned from going all Brian Sabean and making deals like this. Yeah it's short on years, but Renteria is short on effort and ability. While he was a beast back in the day, that was back in the day.

For what it's worth
Keith Law likes this deal and seems to think it shows a new side of Brian Sabean. Seems like the same guy that gave all that money to Omar Vizquel.

Meet the new boss, same as the...you get it.

An Unfinished, Unedited Review of a Black Keys Show From Four Months Ago

In light of the newly released (two weeks ago) Black Keys DVD Live at the Crystal Ballroom, we thought we’d post this incomplete review of the band from back in August. Forgive our use of the term “Mouse House.” We may have been drinking. Enjoy?

You must truly love the way you look in a leather motorcycle jacket to rock one for a Black Keys show on an August night in Anaheim. We're paraphrasing our comment to Mrs. Foot-Long Dodger Blog during last night’s sweltering psychedelic swamp stomp at the Mouse House.

We’re embarrassed to admit this was our first go ‘round with the Black Keys, although we’ve been a fan since thickfreakness. Suffice it to say the band did not disappoint.

Tearing through a career-spanning set that ranged from melodic to apocalyptic, the Akron, Ohio duo exploded on to the stage and took no prisoners in a throbbing hour and a quarter set.

Dan Auerbach’s percussive finger picking (we never saw him use a pick) was a style lesson. And drummer Patrick Carney thrashed tastefully through the entire set upon a kit that we're certain will need a tune-up today.

Pretty great huh? Next time we'll keep writing, and like take notes. Check out the DVD.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Is Ned Colletti Drunk?

Our boy Ned has demonstrated his uselessness on many occasions, but he's getting to the point of outright treason.

The question is now begged: Is Ned Colletti an double agent embedded by the chardonnay-and-sushi crew in NoCal? After all he is known to have worked there and has been seen sporting his 2002 NLCS ring (they apparently give rings for that?) around Chavez Ravine. What other reason could there be?

Who in their right mind would think it's a good idea to trade a young (read: cheap), slick fielding (read: can't hit) shortstop plus some other dudes for an old (read: old), expensive (like 7-8 million bucks) shortstop that is supposedly nice in the field (at age 32?) and - as his .312 lifetime OBP demonstrates - can't hit? Although Jack Wilson scores points with Foot-Long Dodger Blog for bearing a striking resemblance to Adam Carolla. In fact, if Colletti were to admit to the Dodger faithful that his only reason for pursuing Wilson was his Adam Carolla dopplegangery (probably not an actual, you know, word), we would wholly support the move.

It's simple economics (not that we ever took that class) Ned. Why would you exchange your inexpensive commodity for someone elses similar-but-pricey one? Especially when you have yet to determine the true value of your own?

This is an obvious attempt at sabotage. Does anyone remember Julio Lugo? At least the Dodgers got some draft compensation out of that. What better way for Brian Sabean to destroy his biggest rival than to implant a mole that operates exactly like Brian Sabean. Look for Pedro Feliz in Dodger blue at some point this season. Or this guy.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Keith Law Ranks the Top Free Agents

We can only see the top ten as we don't subscribe, but three of the top six are Dodgers. We don't have to tell you who (whom?).

I wonder if the Dodgers are seriously trying to resign any of these dudes? Is it just a forgone conclusion that Derek Lowe hates LA? Granted, his house was on the market before the end of the season. Has the flame dimmed on his torrid romance with a former Dodger beat reporter? East coast, west coast? Something tells us that D. Lowe is going to sign with whomever offers the most scratch. Just a guess.

There seems to be quite market for Rafael Furcal which doesn't bode well for Los Doyers. We love Raffy, but between the *cringe* back surgery and the possibility of other dummies err GMs driving the market upwards of five years, it's probably time to say so long.

The market for our boy Manny seems a little less clear. We still think the final deal will be in the four year range. Which would likely mean two good years and two less than good years. This guy is a generational talent. Truly the best around. And like every other player in the history of the game, he is going to sign with the team that makes the biggest offer. As much as he sucks, Ned is playing this right so far. Let's see who offers what before going all Kevin Malone and getting fleeced (fleeced?).

A couple things we'd like to see. Can we kick the tires on Teixeira as a third baseman? The guy's a beast, but we don't see the Cabal of Ineptitude hearing any such noise.

And what about that giant Adam Dunn? We don't know about stats like VORP or OPS (probably bad examples cuz it looks like Dunn totally kills it at both of those.) But we do know about home runs and not getting out and Dunn totally does those good. Plus he's only 28. Seriously, we looked it up and he's only 28. No really, he only looks old. Apparently he sucks at fielding which we think we're supposed to care about, but when a guy is guaranteed to hit a home run every third game we can't get too bummed that he moves like a statue. Plus Foot-Long Dodger Blog has like the best solution ever. Adam Dunn plays left field with Juan Pierre in his pocket! That way when a ball gets hit to left field (how often does that happen anyway?) Little Juan can jump out of his back (hip?) pocket and go catch it. Best. Idea. Ever.

Friday, November 14, 2008



We're not sure we want to live in a world where FJM ceases to exist and these dudes thrive.

So long guys.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Manny Being Manny

Found via LA Observed, this April 2007 piece from Ben McGrath of the New Yorker. Although it's pretty entertaining, there's probably nothing new here. The dude is basically a hitting savant that tends to be a bit flighty.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

A Hint About 2009

A disturbing little tidbit from a guy with some L.A. credibility.

Tim Brown:

Sources who ought to know don’t seem to believe Colletti, who is under contract through next season, is in imminent danger of losing his job.
Sigh (puts hands in pockets and kicks at dirt.) Great (makes deal with God to quit masturbating for a year if he will only smite Ned Colletti from the Dodger front office...immediately realizes this same deal was made - and broken - twice last week. Wait...what? Refocuses.)

There's still hope. It's unlikely that this team will make the playoffs. And if they do, they're not going to the World Series. And if they go to World Series, they're not going to win. And if they win the World Series...wait, what?

With Colletti back next year look for the Dodgers to pick up somebody like Bobby Abreu, because everyone knows Andre Ethier can't hit lefties and Matt Kemp doesn't listen. Jeff Kent will certainly be brought back for a farewell tour, and if he decides to retire Ray Durham's available. Is Pedro Feliz a free agent? No matter. He can be had for only two or three B-grade arms.

2009 is going to be awesome.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Breaking News: Jeff Kent is a Prick

Jeff Kent grew up in Orange County, which is usually reason enough to go to the mat for a dude. Not to mention his unironic 'stache rocks harder (rocks harder?) than Harry Reems'. But Jesus frickin' Christ, it's Vin Scully. Vin freakin' Scully. Vin Scully? Is Simers' next column going to highlight Kent's distaste for cancer kids? Does The 'Stache club baby seals in the off season?

Maybe it's just his ham handed way of explaining
Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc? He just wanted to demonstrate that just because his 40-year-old bat seemed to come alive after the acquisition of the most feared right-handed bat of this generation, that doesn't mean that his 40-year-old bat came alive because of the acquisition of the most feared right-handed bat of this generation. And oh by the way, fuck Vin Scully. Duly noted. He did go to Berkeley, right?

Friday, August 15, 2008

Breaking News: McCourt Not Worst MLB Owner

From Newsday via SPORTSbyBROOKS:

26. Frank McCourt, Dodgers. There have to be days when Joe Torre thinks to himself, "I miss the Steinbrenners. Shoot, I even miss Randy Levine." Yes, Joe must be happier now with Manny Ramirez aboard, but that spoke largely to dumb luck, rather than any vision on the Dodgers' parts. McCourt has exhibited an itchy trigger finger on GMs and managers, and while he has spent money (poorly, on GM Ned Colletti's bad recommendations) over the past few winters, he refused to take on salary during the season. Very odd.

While it's hard to put much stock into a list that has Jerry Reinsdorf near the top - Do you get credit for winning the World Series if you do it despite trading Carlos Lee for Scott Podsednick? - 26 seems like a good spot for Fox Redux.

The McCourt/Colletti Cabal of Ineptitude has no apparent plan and as a result is losing valuable hearts, eyes and dollars to the other Los Angeles. And replacing The Piece with
Larry Lucchino or Theo Epstein or freakin' Branch Rickey (he was good, right?) is not the answer unless you have a plan. Whomever (whoever?) McCourt hires needs to have a plan (can you say philosophy if it's just baseball?) and be given the room to run with it. Kinda like what The Robot was doing.

Get your mug out of the camera Frank. Don't worry, if the team wins you'll get the credit. Until then, you get the blame.

And by the way, the Dodgers just swept four from the Phillies.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

The Hits Just Keep on Comin'

From Tony Jackson:

The Dodgers are believed to be in discussions with the Washington Nationals about a possible trade that would bring veteran infielder Ronnie Belliard to Los Angeles. The Nationals withdrew Belliard from the waiver wire after at least one team, the Dodgers, put in a claim on him. But because the Dodgers were the team that would have acquired Belliard, by rules, the Nationals still can trade him to that club.
For Real?

Is there a shitty utility man that is not currently on the Dodgers roster? Is
Bob Bailor available?

Not that it needs to be elucidated, but this is why
The Piece sucks so bad. Here's a guy that can't crack the lineup on the worst team in the league, AND has another year on his deal for the bargain price of $2 million. How can you not sign him? That way he can block the progress of Chin-Lung Hu for the rest of this season and all of next year.

What's even better is that Jim Bowden, who might be the biggest toolbox in the league were it not for Colletti, realizes he's got a live one, and rather than let Belliard go for the contract relief is going to weasel a prospect out of the deal.

Unless the deal includes any combination of Juan Pierre, Andruw (Andruw?) Jones or the money owed to Esteban Loaiza...oh never mind.

Update from Dylan Hernandez:

...The Dodgers put in a waiver claim on Ronnie Belliard, making it possible for them to acquire the second baseman from Washington in a trade. But it appears the Dodgers made the move to prevent Belliard from going to Arizona, which lost Orlando Hudson for the season...

You're off the hook Ned. But it's still the kind of move you'd pull. Although why block this move? Belliard's not good and your rival wants him. Apparently worth it for the gamesmanship. Should've blocked than Dunn deal. Not like Cincy's going to dump him on you.

If I Had My Way, I Would Tear This Whole Building Down

Manny has finally cut his dreads..sort of. Everyone knows that ballplayers are superstitious, and this blog loves ManRam. But this is a blessing. That is the most bootleg collection of dreads known to man. Those things can't come off quick enough.

Forget those dreads and get with these.