Monday, December 28, 2009

Check Us Out at

These days we're drizzling most of our genius at Apparently ass kissing occasionally pays off.  We're the guy not named Travis Rodgers by the way.  But fear not, we'll be here ranting periodically on Frank McCourt's tragic face lift and worse personnel decisions as news is made. 

Also, if you're not a Russian bride check us out on Twitter

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Report: Cuban Interested in Doyers

Bill Shaikin, who is putting in some nice work on the Dodger divorce debacle, has a quick hitter onMark Cuban in which he admits to having some interest in purchasing the Los Angeles Dodgers.
"I'm not a fan of debt-driven acquisitions," Cuban wrote. "If a unique situation came up where I could contribute capital to buy out a majority shareholder and gain control, with existing shareholders or note holders staying in place, I would consider it."
At this point we'd take anyone not named McCourt or Rupert Murdoch. But Cuban is savvy and if he's got real interest, he'll wait until the vacuous, publicity starved, money hoarders cannibalize each other so he can get the club on the cheap.  Say what you will about Cuban, his NBA track record demonstrates that he wants to win desperately.  And unlike current ownership, he's already rich.  

MLB doesn't like owners to have interests in other professional leagues, but they have to be disgusted with the McCourts at this point just like the rest of us.  We know it's a long shot, but we'll pray for it tonight right after we chant a psalm for a catastrophic McCourt plastic surgery mishap.   

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Our New Favorite Web Site

We have long held that the McCourts are horrible people.  The first sign for us was their distasteful treatment of Los Angeles icon Ross Porter.  We knew then that these carpetbaggers had no appreciation for the history of the Dodgers, and that under their reign the fans would always be an afterthought.

Now a scant six years into the McCourt era their comeuppance is at hand in the form of what's shaping into a brutally bitter divorce.  And since we're way to lazy to suss out all of the coverage, we're happy to pass along a new blog that will do all of the heavy lifting for us.  Check out for info and analysis on the breakup of the two worst people in Los Angeles.  

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Plaschke: Dodgers are Pussies

48 paragraphs.
A couple as long as three sentences.  
His thesis: the Dodgers better not be afraid to throw inside.
Does he get paid for this?

For Sale: Five-Tool Center Fielder, Lefty Phenom and Anything Else Not Nailed to Stadium Floor

While we have long advocated that Frank McCourt follow the John Moores model of ownership, apparently we should have been more clear.  Our thinking was that owners should sign checks in seclusion from atop their ever growing pile of cash and not shove their giant grinning mugs in every available camera.  But just like Foot-Long parents, Foot-Long wife and Foot-Long children, McCourt completely missed the point.

Dodger fans had better hope to finish the job this year because just like John and Becky, there is trouble in Frank and Jamie's paradise as they have announced their separation.  Unless Frank has a few more parking lots with which to settle this divorce, the Dodgers could soon be relegated to the Kansas City, Pittsburgh and San Diego second division.


Sunday, October 11, 2009

Breaking News: City of Boston More Jealous than High School Chick

We are almost positive that JD Drew used to play for the Dodgers, although it's kind of tough to remember since it was like two (three?) seasons ago.  We tend to save our memories for iconic Dodgers like Tripp Cromer and Chad Fonville.  But we checked (lie) and sure enough Drew and his Bible (low blow) chillaxed in right field at the Ravine for a couple of pretty solid (we're guessing?) seasons.  

Our memory jogged by Maker's Mark, we even recall that Drew left under curious circumstances by exercising an opt out clause in his deal that caused The Piece (sorry Ned) to pretty much lose his mind.  In fact, Drew's decision to opt out left the Dodgers kind of fucked and indirectly led to the biggest boner (boner?) in Dodger history, the signing of Andruw (Andrew!) Jones (you're finally off the hook Delino).  And as we recall, (barely) Drew quickly signed with the Boston Red Sox after only a short period of free agency prompting some folks in LA to whisper the word "tampering."  

The point is that JD Drew should be persona non grata (is that Latin?) in LA, but no one here even remembers him.  Somehow Dodger fans moved on.  That brings us to Boston.  The city that was so sick of Manny Ramirez that they dumped him on the hapless Dodgers for free.  Good riddance they said, we like Jason Bay better anyway.  We'll they're so happy to be rid of Manny, that more than a year later, they're still talking about him...angrily.

Old Bob Ryan (and by old we mean voted for Grover Cleveland, attended the last supper, etc.) is laughing and pointing at Los Angeles in that "I told you so" sort of way usually reserved for insanely jealous high school chicks.  And even better, he's teamed up with some columnist from the thing that used to be the LA Times.  Together they make the point (we'll give them the benefit of the doubt) that the bloom is off the Manny rose and that LA is sick of his malingering and he's lazy and he sucks and oh by the way, we told you so.   
Manny Mania seems to have subsided.

I enter into evidence as Exhibit A yesterday’s Los Angeles Times Page 2 submission by general columnist Steve Lopez, a Dodgers partial season ticket-holder. Mr. Lopez is offering both of his World Series tickets (if) to the reader who writes the best 50-word, as Lopez calls it, “sermon’’ to Manny Ramírez, who, it seems, has reverted to his legendary slothful ways.

Manny Ramírez 2009 .290/.418/.531/.949.  Despite the fact that he served a 50 game suspension he leads the team with the best record in the National League in OBP, SLG, OPS, intentional walks and some other stuff that we're too "slothful" to research.  What a lazy piece of shit. 

“Ramírez outdid himself,’’ wrote Lopez. “A ball skidded past him and he barely moved to get it. He jogged. He slummed. He might as well have thumbed his nose at all the plumbers and teachers and gardeners who paid hard-earned money to get into the park.’’And, of course, we know it wasn’t an isolated incident. We in Boston have been there before.
Anectdotal evidence!  That's totally our favorite kind!  He didn't chase a ball fast enough, and the plumbers are pissed.  Look we get it, Manny Ramirez is a very polarizing figure.  But seriously Boston, get over it.  Players change teams all the time.  Dodger fans aren't all hurt that JD Drew left.  We never burned Steve Garvey in effigy.  Stop being so bitter about Manny.  After all he's just a lazy, me-first juicer anyway.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Breaking News: Al Davis is Insane

We have always loved the Los Angeles/Oakland Raiders.  Don't get us wrong, we root hard for them to lose every game and most Sundays we end up celebrating.  To us the Raiders are the NFL's version of Notre Dame.  Those teams have been horrific for as long as we can remember, but their fans are quick to talk about their unparalleled winning tradition.

Now the Raiders are taking it to another level.  Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle has a tremendous story about the Raiders trying to ban network broadcaster and former Raider Pro Bowl quarterback Rich Gannon from the routine pregame meeting with the coaches.  Turns out Gannon is a turncoat.
The Raiders tried to bar national TV analyst Rich Gannon from their headquarters, announcing that he would not be allowed to attend a meeting at which his broadcast team would prep for Sunday's Raiders-Broncos game.
These production meetings are standard fare. As far as I know, this was the first instance in NFL history of a team trying to bar a broadcaster.
Gannon, former Raiders quarterback, is considered a traitor because he has been critical of the team that is the losingest in football over the last six seasons.

Is there anything better than a crappy team seeking retribution against a former player for saying that they're a crappy team?  How is it that no one can tell Al Davis that this behavior is completely irrational?  What do the other owners say? 

We just hope that whatever has kept Al Davis alive this long keeps working, because we'll never see anything like this in professional sports again. 

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Breaking News: LA Times Also Gay for Ethier

No surprise here. The LA Times - or what's left of it - totally bit our Andre Ethier post of a couple days back. Like you, they are unable to keep their eyes off of our effluent genius. No worries, our story was way funnier and totally loaded with homoeroticism (totally loaded with homoeroticism? We're officially contemplating retirement as we're positive we'll never produce anything even remotely that good again). What were we saying? The Times is all gay for Andre just like us, but they do it with a lot of Ned Colletti ass kissing. As usual we like us better.

Breaking News: Money Waster Dominates Man Who Drinks Pee Pee

Floyd Mayweather Jr. displayed no apparent signs of the ring rust we brazenly foresaw here. Although as with most sporting events (see also public executions, granny porn, reality shows and Angel games) we didn't watch. We much prefer to pass unqualified judgment on things from afar. America! But for those that missed the point, here's the point. If there's a dude that drinks his own urine competing at anything against a dude that doesn't have the good sense to consume his own piss, we always take the piss drinker. As if you needed to be told that.

In related news Raven, Brittany, Nevaeh and all the other strippers on duty at the LV Rhino (do yourself a favor and don't click the link - super annoying video that will get you fired starts immediately. I thought ESPN and had the lock on that crap? Dicks.) enjoyed record tips last night. Seems $15 million just doesn't go as far as it used to. Huh?

Saturday, September 19, 2009

They Call him Money?

It's well known that boxing has fallen about as far into a hole as any sport probably could (sorry hockey). While the hardcore fans still buy up the pay-per-views, the average boxing fan barely takes note of even the big fights. That said, the consensus pound-for-pound champion Floyd Mayweather Jr. is stepping back into the ring tonight after a 19-month "retirement" to collect a check and tune up for an even bigger payday against Manny Pacquiao. Mayweather whose nickname is "Money," probably earned for his ability to spend it faster than he earns it, made the catch weight of 147 for tonight's bout with Juan Manuel Marquez, but owes Marquez some of that money for failing to meet the agreed upon weight of 144 lbs.

Marquez while not the physical or tactical equal of Mayweather is still a true ring warrior on par with some of the greats of all time. And though he is certainly a huge underdog tonight, it's hard not to like a focused, tough and ready Marquez against a fighter coming off an almost two-year layoff and most certainly looking toward the next fight. And as you've certainly seen by now Marquez takes his training VERY seriously. So who do you like, a lazy legend looking for a paycheck or a tough, focused fighter that drinks his own piss?

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Breaking News: Joe Torre Does Something Smart

Maybe we give Joe Torre too hard of a time? He has won a couple of World Series', and those appearances have been pretty scarce 'round the Ravine of late. But how fun is it to point out people's successes anyway? This is the freakin' Internet!

Torre's finally got the good sense to put Chad Billingsley on the rack for awhile. Let's hope this is good for Billingsley since he's been dragging his face around the mound like a basset hound these days. The problem for Billingsley is that everyone knows it's in his head. He's had injuries to both hamstrings and it would have been easy to blame his problems on that, but Torre (speaking of basset hounds?) got all Dr. Phil with it and said Billingsley's got to get his head on straight.

From the LA Times:
Torre said he tapped Garland for Saturday partly because he has "had maybe a little more success against the Giants than Bills has." But Torre also said of Billingsley, "We're all of a mind that we want to get him in a good place.
A good place? Why don't you just call the guy a pussy? Just tell the media he's banged up and needs a rest, then call him a pussy in private.

Either way Billingsley needs to sit down, and so do a lot of guys for that matter. The Dodgers have a playoff spot locked down, and they need to use their expanded rosters and shelve the playoff studs. Torre should rest Randy Wolf, Johnathan Broxton and some of the regular players in preparation for a trip to the World Series.

After all, that's why Ned Colletti grabbed junk like Jon Garland and Vicente Padilla from the shit pile. Those dudes are playing for contracts. They will gladly stay on the mound until their collective elbow explodes like one of those poppy things on New Year's Eve.

Let's just hope Billingsley figures it out before facing Albert Pujols with dudes on base.

Matablog: Pavement to Reunite for 2010 Tour

Don't get us wrong, we love Pavement. Slanted and Enchanted has been in heavy rotation on Foot-Long Dodger iPod for years. We're just so burnt out on band reunions. We're going to let this one simmer until a SoCal date is announced. Chances are that we'll be a little more pumped about it later. We're sure they were breathlessly awaiting our response.

Weisman: Foot-Long Dodger Blog is Right

We agree. Although we favor Andre Ethier slightly.

We also like the tongue-so-firmly-in-cheek-that-it-connotes-deformity nod to Juan Pierre's Dodger MVP candidacy. Side note: is there anything more condescending than calling something "cute?" Love it. Although we think a certain Los Angeles sportswriter might not get the joke. The countdown to Bill Plaschke's Pierre for MVP column starts now.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

We Couldn't be More Smitten

Yesterday we came out of the Ethier closet, only to have him double and score the tying run in the ninth, and blast yet another walk-off home run in the 13th inning. It's cool Andre, but we're already as gay as we can possibly be for you.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Dear Andre, We're Officially Gay for You

For a guy that pretty much gets worked in every trade he makes, Ned Colletti still gets a pass for the one deal in which he clearly won. Ned we forgive you for Lance Carter, Danys Baez and Julio Lugo. Well, not really. Those trades were colossally dopey, even for Ned. The fact that the Dodgers were able to get anything for Milton Bradley when the whole world knew he had to go is amazing. But Andre Ethier? He was a known commodity, an outfielder with tremendous upside.

Manny Ramirez is arguably the best right-handed hitter of his generation, and Matt Kemp is one of the most talented players to don the blue in recent memory. But there's something about Ethier. Those other guys are so good that they make it seem too easy. Ethier gives off the vibe that he is getting everything out of his ability. Maybe its the streakiness, the slumps? Do his struggles make his successes that much more savory?
We don't like to get all "heart and soul" with it, but with apologies to all you Russell Martin fans - Ethier is it. Don't give us the numbers. We'll do it like Plaschke, with our eyes and superior reasoning. Ladies and gentlemen (ladies?) your 2009 Los Angeles Dodgers MVP, Andre Ethier.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

What Happened to Our Favorite Sports Talk Show?

We've been listening to The Jim Rome Show pretty much every day since 1995. And the fact is that lately it has changed significantly for the worse. Always a polarizing figure, Rome has veered toward a bland, edgeless broadcast that borders on the unlistenable schlock available on pretty much every other sports talk show. The interactivity between host and listener that was originally a hallmark of the Jungle is essentially gone and the host's strong viewpoints have been toned way down.

The one noticeable change is the abrupt departure of long time producer Travis Rodgers. Rodgers, who crafted much of the show's largely scripted content, left the show with conspicuously little fanfare awhile back and the show is clearly the worse for it. Rodgers has recently resurfaced on Twitter, and even more recently with a new blog.

Don't get us wrong, Rome is a unique and formidable talent. His imprint on the sports media landscape is undeniable, but he is perhaps a victim of his own success. Were he lesser known would he be more willing to play fast and loose with his opinions, as well as allow his callers and e-mailers a bit more creative leeway? Whatever the issue for Rome, the bottom line is that his once funny and entertaining show is currently neither.