Sunday, September 20, 2009

Breaking News: LA Times Also Gay for Ethier

No surprise here. The LA Times - or what's left of it - totally bit our Andre Ethier post of a couple days back. Like you, they are unable to keep their eyes off of our effluent genius. No worries, our story was way funnier and totally loaded with homoeroticism (totally loaded with homoeroticism? We're officially contemplating retirement as we're positive we'll never produce anything even remotely that good again). What were we saying? The Times is all gay for Andre just like us, but they do it with a lot of Ned Colletti ass kissing. As usual we like us better.

Breaking News: Money Waster Dominates Man Who Drinks Pee Pee

Floyd Mayweather Jr. displayed no apparent signs of the ring rust we brazenly foresaw here. Although as with most sporting events (see also public executions, granny porn, reality shows and Angel games) we didn't watch. We much prefer to pass unqualified judgment on things from afar. America! But for those that missed the point, here's the point. If there's a dude that drinks his own urine competing at anything against a dude that doesn't have the good sense to consume his own piss, we always take the piss drinker. As if you needed to be told that.

In related news Raven, Brittany, Nevaeh and all the other strippers on duty at the LV Rhino (do yourself a favor and don't click the link - super annoying video that will get you fired starts immediately. I thought ESPN and had the lock on that crap? Dicks.) enjoyed record tips last night. Seems $15 million just doesn't go as far as it used to. Huh?

Saturday, September 19, 2009

They Call him Money?

It's well known that boxing has fallen about as far into a hole as any sport probably could (sorry hockey). While the hardcore fans still buy up the pay-per-views, the average boxing fan barely takes note of even the big fights. That said, the consensus pound-for-pound champion Floyd Mayweather Jr. is stepping back into the ring tonight after a 19-month "retirement" to collect a check and tune up for an even bigger payday against Manny Pacquiao. Mayweather whose nickname is "Money," probably earned for his ability to spend it faster than he earns it, made the catch weight of 147 for tonight's bout with Juan Manuel Marquez, but owes Marquez some of that money for failing to meet the agreed upon weight of 144 lbs.

Marquez while not the physical or tactical equal of Mayweather is still a true ring warrior on par with some of the greats of all time. And though he is certainly a huge underdog tonight, it's hard not to like a focused, tough and ready Marquez against a fighter coming off an almost two-year layoff and most certainly looking toward the next fight. And as you've certainly seen by now Marquez takes his training VERY seriously. So who do you like, a lazy legend looking for a paycheck or a tough, focused fighter that drinks his own piss?

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Breaking News: Joe Torre Does Something Smart

Maybe we give Joe Torre too hard of a time? He has won a couple of World Series', and those appearances have been pretty scarce 'round the Ravine of late. But how fun is it to point out people's successes anyway? This is the freakin' Internet!

Torre's finally got the good sense to put Chad Billingsley on the rack for awhile. Let's hope this is good for Billingsley since he's been dragging his face around the mound like a basset hound these days. The problem for Billingsley is that everyone knows it's in his head. He's had injuries to both hamstrings and it would have been easy to blame his problems on that, but Torre (speaking of basset hounds?) got all Dr. Phil with it and said Billingsley's got to get his head on straight.

From the LA Times:
Torre said he tapped Garland for Saturday partly because he has "had maybe a little more success against the Giants than Bills has." But Torre also said of Billingsley, "We're all of a mind that we want to get him in a good place.
A good place? Why don't you just call the guy a pussy? Just tell the media he's banged up and needs a rest, then call him a pussy in private.

Either way Billingsley needs to sit down, and so do a lot of guys for that matter. The Dodgers have a playoff spot locked down, and they need to use their expanded rosters and shelve the playoff studs. Torre should rest Randy Wolf, Johnathan Broxton and some of the regular players in preparation for a trip to the World Series.

After all, that's why Ned Colletti grabbed junk like Jon Garland and Vicente Padilla from the shit pile. Those dudes are playing for contracts. They will gladly stay on the mound until their collective elbow explodes like one of those poppy things on New Year's Eve.

Let's just hope Billingsley figures it out before facing Albert Pujols with dudes on base.

Matablog: Pavement to Reunite for 2010 Tour

Don't get us wrong, we love Pavement. Slanted and Enchanted has been in heavy rotation on Foot-Long Dodger iPod for years. We're just so burnt out on band reunions. We're going to let this one simmer until a SoCal date is announced. Chances are that we'll be a little more pumped about it later. We're sure they were breathlessly awaiting our response.

Weisman: Foot-Long Dodger Blog is Right

We agree. Although we favor Andre Ethier slightly.

We also like the tongue-so-firmly-in-cheek-that-it-connotes-deformity nod to Juan Pierre's Dodger MVP candidacy. Side note: is there anything more condescending than calling something "cute?" Love it. Although we think a certain Los Angeles sportswriter might not get the joke. The countdown to Bill Plaschke's Pierre for MVP column starts now.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

We Couldn't be More Smitten

Yesterday we came out of the Ethier closet, only to have him double and score the tying run in the ninth, and blast yet another walk-off home run in the 13th inning. It's cool Andre, but we're already as gay as we can possibly be for you.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Dear Andre, We're Officially Gay for You

For a guy that pretty much gets worked in every trade he makes, Ned Colletti still gets a pass for the one deal in which he clearly won. Ned we forgive you for Lance Carter, Danys Baez and Julio Lugo. Well, not really. Those trades were colossally dopey, even for Ned. The fact that the Dodgers were able to get anything for Milton Bradley when the whole world knew he had to go is amazing. But Andre Ethier? He was a known commodity, an outfielder with tremendous upside.

Manny Ramirez is arguably the best right-handed hitter of his generation, and Matt Kemp is one of the most talented players to don the blue in recent memory. But there's something about Ethier. Those other guys are so good that they make it seem too easy. Ethier gives off the vibe that he is getting everything out of his ability. Maybe its the streakiness, the slumps? Do his struggles make his successes that much more savory?
We don't like to get all "heart and soul" with it, but with apologies to all you Russell Martin fans - Ethier is it. Don't give us the numbers. We'll do it like Plaschke, with our eyes and superior reasoning. Ladies and gentlemen (ladies?) your 2009 Los Angeles Dodgers MVP, Andre Ethier.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

What Happened to Our Favorite Sports Talk Show?

We've been listening to The Jim Rome Show pretty much every day since 1995. And the fact is that lately it has changed significantly for the worse. Always a polarizing figure, Rome has veered toward a bland, edgeless broadcast that borders on the unlistenable schlock available on pretty much every other sports talk show. The interactivity between host and listener that was originally a hallmark of the Jungle is essentially gone and the host's strong viewpoints have been toned way down.

The one noticeable change is the abrupt departure of long time producer Travis Rodgers. Rodgers, who crafted much of the show's largely scripted content, left the show with conspicuously little fanfare awhile back and the show is clearly the worse for it. Rodgers has recently resurfaced on Twitter, and even more recently with a new blog.

Don't get us wrong, Rome is a unique and formidable talent. His imprint on the sports media landscape is undeniable, but he is perhaps a victim of his own success. Were he lesser known would he be more willing to play fast and loose with his opinions, as well as allow his callers and e-mailers a bit more creative leeway? Whatever the issue for Rome, the bottom line is that his once funny and entertaining show is currently neither.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Breaking News: Stooges to Tour With Former Guitarist

Rolling Stone (via Pitchfork) says that James Newell Osterberg, Jr. has coaxed his one time collaborator/muse/musical foil James Williamson out of musical retirement (although he is also coming out of regular retirement, which is kinda weird). This probably won't be as exciting now that these dudes are in their sixties, and presumably not crazy from heaps of cocaine. But Williamson era Stooges live with Mike frickin' Watt? We're in.

We do not purport ourselves as Iggy Pop and or Stooges experts, but we like (love?) the music and we did read this book about him. If you haven't, maybe you should?

I See the Dodgers and They Look Scared

Some crappy Frisco sportswriter apparently over served on ballpark chardonnay is yipping about how the Dodgers are scared of the Giants stable of “aces.”

The standings aren't appreciably different, but for the Giants, the division title is now officially in play. And that's not a writer's opinion. You can bet that comes straight from the Dodgers' clubhouse.
Journalism baby, he’s got an inside source. This guy’s old school. Either that or he skimmed a shitty column by another know-nothing sportswriter. Check. So the Dodgers are scared of the Giants because of Tim Lincecum and Matt Cain. No doubt those guys are pretty tough, aces even. Oh wait, you’re talking about someone else…on the Giants?

If the Dodgers caught any of the Giants-Phillies series on television, they watched two back-of-the-rotation starters, Jonathan Sanchez and Brad Penny, throw masterful games against the defending world champions in a bandbox ballpark. Penny's performance was downright mind-blowing last night, and while no one expects him to throw eight shutout innings every time out, there's no puzzle about his fastball (96-97 mph at its best last night), his curveball or his competitive nature.
Who cares about Penny’s fastball? We’re more impressed that despite a lazy eye, beer belly, limited intelligence and redneck tendencies this guy was able to bang Eliza Dushku. That is mind blowing.

Watching Penny last night, I got the same feeling I had when Jason Schmidt made his debut in a Giants uniform.
Is it a tingling in the loins or more of a burn? This guy really loves Penny. Turns out the Giants pitchers are so good that despite trailing the Dodgers in every significant statistical category including wins and losses, they can’t even decide which pitcher to use to dominate them.

As we speak, the Giants have five guys pitching like aces. They wouldn't hesitate to start any of them in a make-or-break game (although Tim Lincecum, who goes tonight, would be the obvious preference).
World Series Game 7, is Bochy giving the ball to his Cy Young winner or the fat guy that just got released? Who cares? After all, they have FIVE aces. Lincecum shmincecum (shmincecum?) The Giants should just let him take off for the rest of the season. They obviously don’t need him. They have Brad Penny now.

The Dodgers? Well, they have no aces. Nothing even close. Chad Billingsley had that role for a while, and he was looking the part, but when the Diamondbacks roughed him up for a four-run, six-hit inning last night, it meant Billingsley's 11th loss in his last 14 starts, with a 5.24 ERA. Billingsley didn't pitch all that badly, especially early (retiring the first 12 hitters), but he did give up a two-run homer to Brandon Allen.
The emperor has no clothes! He allowed a home run. Never mind that Kershaw’s been practically unhittable in the second half and Randy Wolf is pitching with massive dollar signs (probably from the Giants) in his eyes.

Whoever takes the mound for the Dodgers these days -- Billingsley, Randy Wolf, Clayton Kershaw, Vicente Padilla, Jon Garland, knuckleballer Charlie Haeger -- you're not looking at an ace. More like a prayer. Any time Wolf (9-6, 3.25) becomes your mainstay, you're in serious trouble.
I sense a duplicity here - hypocrisy even. You see the Giants have “five guys pitching like aces,” but if the Dodgers need to rely on Randy Wolf they’re clearly fucked.

Linceceum and Cain are a pretty solid one-two punch, so solid in fact that if the playoffs were to start today…wait…the Giants are in third place? Why the fuck did we waste the last 45 minutes writing this shitty post then? Frisco’s pitching is so dominant that they’ll be on the couch with us watching that weak (read: best in the league) Dodger pitching staff try to win the World Series. Don't worry guys, Foot-Long Dodger wife makes killer chicken wings and we always stock the good NoCal craft brews. Gotta love sportswriters.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Breaking News: Bill Plaschke is a Total Douche

Phil Wallace who contributes to Native Intelligence at LA Observed takes a look at our friend Bill Plaschke through the prism of his schizophrenic Matt Kemp coverage.

Everyone knows that the LA Times has the worst sports columnists around, and Plaschke is for our money the crappiest of the bunch. Although Kurt Streeter is also horrible, but we haven't been subjected to him for nearly as long. At least TJ Simers - who is useless - has a formula (albeit a dreadfully tired one) and sticks to it. Plaschke's opinion seems to change with the breeze and Wallace demonstrates this in detail.

Why are newspaper's dying? Partly because they tend to hitch their wagons to crabby old blowhards like these dudes.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Breaking News: Asshole Sucks at Pitching

Rule of thumb: if you're a major fucking asshole, it's important to also be good at your job. Otherwise you're just an asshole.

Breaking News: Dodgers Acquire Hall of Fame Hitter and Some Other Dude That Pretty Much Sucks

I bet Eric Stults is really regretting that three way with Mrs. Torre and Mrs. Colletti right about now. The Dodgers have literally done everything they could to keep him off the Dodger Stadium mound. Even going so far as to acquire a mostly terrible Jon Garland last night. And that's not even the worst part. It sounds like the Cabal of Ineptitude - always willing to sell low - are reportedly giving up Tony Abreu for the privilege of Garland's crappy services for the rest of the year.
In return, the White Sox will receive Minor League infielder Justin Fuller. The D-backs will receive a player to be named, who, according to several Dodgers, will be Tony Abreu, but Abreu needs to first clear waivers. Abreu once was considered a top infield prospect, but his progress was stalled by three years of injuries.
This post is not without praise however. The Cabal also did something smart last night in acquiring future Hall of Famer Jim Thome to sit on the bench and scare the shit out of opposing managers.