Breaking News: LA Times Also Gay for Ethier

No surprise here. The LA Times - or what's left of it - totally bit our Andre Ethier post of a couple days back. Like you, they are unable to keep their eyes off of our effluent genius. No worries, our story was way funnier and totally loaded with homoeroticism (totally loaded with homoeroticism? We're officially contemplating retirement as we're positive we'll never produce anything even remotely that good again). What were we saying? The Times is all gay for Andre just like us, but they do it with a lot of Ned Colletti ass kissing. As usual we like us better.

Dear Andre, We're Officially Gay for You

For a guy that pretty much gets worked in every trade he makes, Ned Colletti still gets a pass for the one deal in which he clearly won. Ned we forgive you for Lance Carter, Danys Baez and Julio Lugo. Well, not really. Those trades were colossally dopey, even for Ned. The fact that the Dodgers were able to get anything for Milton Bradley when the whole world knew he had to go is amazing. But Andre Ethier? He was a known commodity, an outfielder with tremendous upside.

Manny Ramirez is arguably the best right-handed hitter of his generation, and Matt Kemp is one of the most talented players to don the blue in recent memory. But there's something about Ethier. Those other guys are so good that they make it seem too easy. Ethier gives off the vibe that he is getting everything out of his ability. Maybe its the streakiness, the slumps? Do his struggles make his successes that much more savory? We don't like to get all "heart and soul" with it, but with apologies to all you Russell Martin fans - Ethier is it. Don't give us the numbers. We'll do it like Plaschke, with our eyes and superior reasoning. Ladies and gentlemen (ladies?) your 2009 Los Angeles Dodgers MVP, Andre Ethier.

Breaking News: Dodgers Acquire Hall of Fame Hitter and Some Other Dude That Pretty Much Sucks

I bet Eric Stults is really regretting that three way with Mrs. Torre and Mrs. Colletti right about now. The Dodgers have literally done everything they could to keep him off the Dodger Stadium mound. Even going so far as to acquire a mostly terrible Jon Garland last night. And that's not even the worst part. It sounds like the Cabal of Ineptitude - always willing to sell low - are reportedly giving up Tony Abreu for the privilege of Garland's crappy services for the rest of the year.

In return, the White Sox will receive Minor League infielder Justin Fuller. The D-backs will receive a player to be named, who, according to several Dodgers, will be Tony Abreu, but Abreu needs to first clear waivers. Abreu once was considered a top infield prospect, but his progress was stalled by three years of injuries.

This post is not without praise however. The Cabal also did something smart last night in acquiring future Hall of Famer Jim Thome to sit on the bench and scare the shit out of opposing managers.

Ned Colletti Thinks it's 1996

Not content to let those chardonnay sipping elitists in Frisco monopolize every past-his-prime-never-was ballplayer in the NL West, our boy Ned is reportedly interested in Omar Vizquel as a fallback option at shortstop.

For the Dodgers? The Los Angeles Dodgers? In 2009? Not Omar Vizquel Jr., but the actual Omar Vizquel? We're talking about the older gentleman that used to be a major league shortstop? Did he learn how to throw the knuckleball?

From Tony Jackson:

He clearly would be nothing more than a fallback plan if the club doesn't sign Rafael Furcal, he'll turn 42 in April, and he hasn't hit better than .250 in three years. But he IS an 11-time Gold Glove winner and would be another excellent addition to the clubhouse. He also would shore up the SS position for a year until Ivan De Jesus is ready, although he wouldn't come close to providing the offense Furcal did.

Clearly.

Vizquel had outgrown his usefulness the first time Ned signed him - in 2005. On what planet is Omar Vizquel a more appealing "fallback" than Chin-Lung Hu?

Even Sabean has to be laughing at this one.

Update

Diamond Leung says no:

Colletti indicated the team wasn't looking at free-agent shortstop Omar Vizquel as an option.

Damn. So close.

Update

Tony Jackson got some bad info:

By the way, I got bad info earlier. The Dodgers are NOT interested in Omar Vizquel.

So much bullshit comes out of those meetings, still it's something one easily could see Ned doing.

Your Move Mr. Sabean

I'll see your Renteria, and raise you one Casey Blake. Any chance Sabean goes all in with Joe Crede?

Blake's decent enough although the price seems a bit steep. We're in the MSTI camp. If the Twins were unwilling to guarantee a third year, why didn't the Dodgers just offer two years and one dollar more than the Twins? In year three this guy's going to be old as hell, powerless and riding the pine a la Nomar.

Is Ned Colletti Drunk?

Our boy Ned has demonstrated his uselessness on many occasions, but he's getting to the point of outright treason.

The question is now begged: Is Ned Colletti an double agent embedded by the chardonnay-and-sushi crew in NoCal? After all he is known to have worked there and has been seen sporting his 2002 NLCS ring (they apparently give rings for that?) around Chavez Ravine. What other reason could there be?

Who in their right mind would think it's a good idea to trade a young (read: cheap), slick fielding (read: can't hit) shortstop plus some other dudes for an old (read: old), expensive (like 7-8 million bucks) shortstop that is supposedly nice in the field (at age 32?) and - as his .312 lifetime OBP demonstrates - can't hit? Although Jack Wilson scores points with Foot-Long Dodger Blog for bearing a striking resemblance to Adam Carolla. In fact, if Colletti were to admit to the Dodger faithful that his only reason for pursuing Wilson was his Adam Carolla dopplegangery (probably not an actual, you know, word), we would wholly support the move.

It's simple economics (not that we ever took that class) Ned. Why would you exchange your inexpensive commodity for someone elses similar-but-pricey one? Especially when you have yet to determine the true value of your own?

This is an obvious attempt at sabotage. Does anyone remember Julio Lugo? At least the Dodgers got some draft compensation out of that. What better way for Brian Sabean to destroy his biggest rival than to implant a mole that operates exactly like Brian Sabean. Look for Pedro Feliz in Dodger blue at some point this season. Or this guy.

A Hint About 2009

A disturbing little tidbit from a guy with some L.A. credibility.

From Tim Brown:

Sources who ought to know don’t seem to believe Colletti, who is under contract through next season, is in imminent danger of losing his job.

Sigh (puts hands in pockets and kicks at dirt.) Great (makes deal with God to quit masturbating for a year if he will only smite Ned Colletti from the Dodger front office...immediately realizes this same deal was made - and broken - twice last week. Wait...what? Refocuses.)

There's still hope. It's unlikely that this team will make the playoffs. And if they do, they're not going to the World Series. And if they go to World Series, they're not going to win. And if they win the World Series...wait, what?

With Colletti back next year look for the Dodgers to pick up somebody like Bobby Abreu, because everyone knows Andre Ethier can't hit lefties and Matt Kemp doesn't listen. Jeff Kent will certainly be brought back for a farewell tour, and if he decides to retire Ray Durham's available. Is Pedro Feliz a free agent? No matter. He can be had for only two or three B-grade arms.

2009 is going to be awesome.

The Hits Just Keep on Comin'

From Tony Jackson:

The Dodgers are believed to be in discussions with the Washington Nationals about a possible trade that would bring veteran infielder Ronnie Belliard to Los Angeles. The Nationals withdrew Belliard from the waiver wire after at least one team, the Dodgers, put in a claim on him. But because the Dodgers were the team that would have acquired Belliard, by rules, the Nationals still can trade him to that club.

For Real?

Is there a shitty utility man that is not currently on the Dodgers roster? Is Bob Bailor available?

Not that it needs to be elucidated, but this is why The Piece sucks so bad. Here's a guy that can't crack the lineup on the worst team in the league, AND has another year on his deal for the bargain price of $2 million. How can you not sign him? That way he can block the progress of Chin-Lung Hu for the rest of this season and all of next year.

What's even better is that Jim Bowden, who might be the biggest toolbox in the league were it not for Colletti, realizes he's got a live one, and rather than let Belliard go for the contract relief is going to weasel a prospect out of the deal.

Unless the deal includes any combination of Juan Pierre, Andruw (Andruw?) Jones or the money owed to Esteban Loaiza...oh never mind.

Update from Dylan Hernandez:

...The Dodgers put in a waiver claim on Ronnie Belliard, making it possible for them to acquire the second baseman from Washington in a trade. But it appears the Dodgers made the move to prevent Belliard from going to Arizona, which lost Orlando Hudson for the season...

You're off the hook Ned. But it's still the kind of move you'd pull. Although why block this move? Belliard's not good and your rival wants him. Apparently worth it for the gamesmanship. Should've blocked than Dunn deal. Not like Cincy's going to dump him on you.