Breaking News: Stooges to Tour With Former Guitarist

Rolling Stone (via Pitchfork) says that James Newell Osterberg, Jr. has coaxed his one time collaborator/muse/musical foil James Williamson out of musical retirement (although he is also coming out of regular retirement, which is kinda weird). This probably won't be as exciting now that these dudes are in their sixties, and presumably not crazy from heaps of cocaine. But Williamson era Stooges live with Mike frickin' Watt? We're in.

We do not purport ourselves as Iggy Pop and or Stooges experts, but we like (love?) the music and we did read this book about him. If you haven't, maybe you should?

I See the Dodgers and They Look Scared

Some crappy Frisco sportswriter apparently over served on ballpark chardonnay is yipping about how the Dodgers are scared of the Giants stable of “aces.”

The standings aren't appreciably different, but for the Giants, the division title is now officially in play. And that's not a writer's opinion. You can bet that comes straight from the Dodgers' clubhouse.

Journalism baby, he’s got an inside source. This guy’s old school. Either that or he skimmed a shitty column by another know-nothing sportswriter. Check. So the Dodgers are scared of the Giants because of Tim Lincecum and Matt Cain. No doubt those guys are pretty tough, aces even. Oh wait, you’re talking about someone else…on the Giants?

If the Dodgers caught any of the Giants-Phillies series on television, they watched two back-of-the-rotation starters, Jonathan Sanchez and Brad Penny, throw masterful games against the defending world champions in a bandbox ballpark. Penny's performance was downright mind-blowing last night, and while no one expects him to throw eight shutout innings every time out, there's no puzzle about his fastball (96-97 mph at its best last night), his curveball or his competitive nature.

Who cares about Penny’s fastball? We’re more impressed that despite a lazy eye, beer belly, limited intelligence and redneck tendencies this guy was able to bang Eliza Dushku. That is mind blowing.

Watching Penny last night, I got the same feeling I had when Jason Schmidt made his debut in a Giants uniform.

Is it a tingling in the loins or more of a burn? This guy really loves Penny. Turns out the Giants pitchers are so good that despite trailing the Dodgers in every significant statistical category including wins and losses, they can’t even decide which pitcher to use to dominate them.

As we speak, the Giants have five guys pitching like aces. They wouldn't hesitate to start any of them in a make-or-break game (although Tim Lincecum, who goes tonight, would be the obvious preference).

World Series Game 7, is Bochy giving the ball to his Cy Young winner or the fat guy that just got released? Who cares? After all, they have FIVE aces. Lincecum shmincecum (shmincecum?) The Giants should just let him take off for the rest of the season. They obviously don’t need him. They have Brad Penny now.

The Dodgers? Well, they have no aces. Nothing even close. Chad Billingsley had that role for a while, and he was looking the part, but when the Diamondbacks roughed him up for a four-run, six-hit inning last night, it meant Billingsley's 11th loss in his last 14 starts, with a 5.24 ERA. Billingsley didn't pitch all that badly, especially early (retiring the first 12 hitters), but he did give up a two-run homer to Brandon Allen.

The emperor has no clothes! He allowed a home run. Never mind that Kershaw’s been practically unhittable in the second half and Randy Wolf is pitching with massive dollar signs (probably from the Giants) in his eyes.

Whoever takes the mound for the Dodgers these days -- Billingsley, Randy Wolf, Clayton Kershaw, Vicente Padilla, Jon Garland, knuckleballer Charlie Haeger -- you're not looking at an ace. More like a prayer. Any time Wolf (9-6, 3.25) becomes your mainstay, you're in serious trouble.

I sense a duplicity here - hypocrisy even. You see the Giants have “five guys pitching like aces,” but if the Dodgers need to rely on Randy Wolf they’re clearly fucked.

Linceceum and Cain are a pretty solid one-two punch, so solid in fact that if the playoffs were to start today…wait…the Giants are in third place? Why the fuck did we waste the last 45 minutes writing this shitty post then? Frisco’s pitching is so dominant that they’ll be on the couch with us watching that weak (read: best in the league) Dodger pitching staff try to win the World Series. Don't worry guys, Foot-Long Dodger wife makes killer chicken wings and we always stock the good NoCal craft brews. Gotta love sportswriters.

Breaking News: Bill Plaschke is a Total Douche

Phil Wallace who contributes to Native Intelligence at LA Observed takes a look at our friend Bill Plaschke through the prism of his schizophrenic Matt Kemp coverage.

Everyone knows that the LA Times has the worst sports columnists around, and Plaschke is for our money the crappiest of the bunch. Although Kurt Streeter is also horrible, but we haven't been subjected to him for nearly as long. At least TJ Simers - who is useless - has a formula (albeit a dreadfully tired one) and sticks to it. Plaschke's opinion seems to change with the breeze and Wallace demonstrates this in detail.

Why are newspaper's dying? Partly because they tend to hitch their wagons to crabby old blowhards like these dudes.

Breaking News: Asshole Sucks at Pitching

Rule of thumb: if you're a major fucking asshole, it's important to also be good at your job. Otherwise you're just an asshole.

Breaking News: Dodgers Acquire Hall of Fame Hitter and Some Other Dude That Pretty Much Sucks

I bet Eric Stults is really regretting that three way with Mrs. Torre and Mrs. Colletti right about now. The Dodgers have literally done everything they could to keep him off the Dodger Stadium mound. Even going so far as to acquire a mostly terrible Jon Garland last night. And that's not even the worst part. It sounds like the Cabal of Ineptitude - always willing to sell low - are reportedly giving up Tony Abreu for the privilege of Garland's crappy services for the rest of the year.

In return, the White Sox will receive Minor League infielder Justin Fuller. The D-backs will receive a player to be named, who, according to several Dodgers, will be Tony Abreu, but Abreu needs to first clear waivers. Abreu once was considered a top infield prospect, but his progress was stalled by three years of injuries.

This post is not without praise however. The Cabal also did something smart last night in acquiring future Hall of Famer Jim Thome to sit on the bench and scare the shit out of opposing managers.

Breaking News: High School Football Players Have Nowhere to Mosh

So it looks like Pennywise lead singer Jim Lindberg has (finally?) left the band. Word is he's working on a documentary follow up to his daddy memoir Punk Rock Dad which we're embarrassed to admit we read (two word review: total yawner) and a (god help us) solo record. Forgive us our ignorance, but Pennywise has been missing from our radar since about '95 or so. We were totally unaware they were still a band. Although, we're not afraid to admit that when one of their cockrocky anthems shows up during our thrice weekly hill runs, we always get that fist pumpin'. Hey...keep that low.

You're Welcome

Of course we were aware that when we posted a genius brief about Russel Martin's two seasons of suckitude, he would immediately go off. That's how much we love the Dodgers. We'll fuck with a guy just to see how he'll respond. We even drizzled our brilliance on the comments over at kensai's place based on the highly unlikely event that Martin isn't checking this site on an hourly basis. So the bar is set. For the remainder of the season Russell Martin needs to hit a four-run home run every night to escape our considerable fury. Now if you'll excuse us we have a goat to slaughter as a sacrifice to whatever deity is angry at James Loney's bat.

Smells Like 2007 in Here

Looks like Livan Hernandez finally got released.

If he hadn't started against the Dodgers awhile back we would have never known he was still playing. Don't get any ideas Ned. Unless you need help finishing off the post game spread.

Check out a way better Levon.

And He Makes Errors Too!

We know that it is sacrilege to disparage future Hall of Fame catcher Russell Martin, after all he is a gamer. But let's face it Martin has been a huge disappointment for the Dodgers. Notwithstanding his critical error that cost the Dodger's last night's game, he simply is not that special. He has completely lost any ability to hit the ball over the fence. He draws the occasional walk and on rare occasions a base hit, but it's time to admit it - he is just another light hitting catcher. You know, the kind that plays for every other team in the league.

Let the Danny Ardoin drum beat begin.

Remember When Pitchers Used to Pitch the Entire Game?

Add this to the myriad list of things we just don't get. What is the reason for pulling a pitcher who is thoroughly dominating an opponent? We know that your closer is among the best in baseball. And we are also aware that you don't want to burn out your young ace. But what the fuck? Isn't it worth it to leave your stud on the bump (stud on the bump?) for the confidence boost alone?

Clayton Kershaw is clearly coming into his own (coming into his own?) And a complete game shutout victory to end the first three game losing streak of the season may have given Kershaw the swagger of an ace. We know you can't quantify confidence, and we really are nitpicking because let's face it Joe Torre does way dumber stuff in practically every game. We're just saying. Maybe we could consider letting a starter finish a game once in awhile?

How About Pierre for Pujols?

Bill Shaikin's proposed trade for Roy Halladay is doubtlessly a pipe dream, although we'd pull the trigger in a heart beat (heartbeat?). What's interesting here is that someone in the Los Angeles media will actually broach the topic of trading Russell Martin. We all know how those dudes at the LA Times get all misty eyed when it comes to heart-and-soul, dick-in-the-dirt types of guys like Martin. Bill Plaschke still gets all weepy when the ghost of Paul LoDuca haunts his column. After all, how dumb was it to trade a decent catcher due a big payday and a statistical decline for a front of the rotation starting pitcher? How soon we forget, LoDuca hustled!

So here the Dodgers sit wondering what it would take to make a serious run at Roy Halladay. The name Clayton Kershaw gets bandied about often, probably by J.P. Ricciardi. But trading your second best starter for your first best starter seems like a weak net result when the bottom line is a World Series. And let's be clear, the Dodgers don't have a GM with the sack to do a big deal like this. This package might not get you a Halladay, but would it get you Jake Peavy? It definitely won't get you Cliff Lee. The Indians are pretty stocked at catcher (thanks in part to our boy Ned.) All this trade discussion is pointless anyway. We'll sum it up with this: if a starting pitcher could be had for the scant price of a league average catcher, you do it. Even if he hustles.

Breaking News: Livan Hernandez Miraculously Still Employed

Raise your hand if you were honestly aware that Livan Hernandez was still employed as a major league pitcher?

Liar.

You're Dumb if You Don't Hate Manny

We told you so.

Jayson (with a Y) Stark wants you to know how dumb you are for not having his opinion. He even invited some professorial type dudes to try to figure out why we're all so dumb.

We're just a bunch of dumb dummies.

Anything Going on Tonight?

Hooray for sanctimonious sportswriters!

As we celebrate the return of Manny Ramirez (and a certain genius Dodgers blog - you know we mean this one, right?) sportswriters - not just Plaschke - are getting all high-and-mighty with it again. So look for a lot of "this is bad for baseball," and "Manny shouldn't be in the All Star Game" and our personal favorite the dreaded "he's not getting my Hall of Fame vote!" Not to get too existential here, but can a Hall of Fame without Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez and Manny Ramirez still be called the Hall of Fame?

On another note, go buy the new Wilco record.

Glass Eye! Glass Eye!

We kind of have mixed emotions here. On the one hand we follow the San Diego Chargers. In fact, we were so pleased with Sunday night's victory over the Denver Broncos that we almost said no to those last three fingers of Jameson. Almost.

On the other hand we like to laugh at the misfortune of the Oakland/Los Angeles Raiders. And the Raiders firing of Mike Shanahan, followed by his team soundly throttling the Raiders practically every time they play is pretty amusing.

We are happy at the Shanahan firing for one reason. Foot-Long Dodger wife has, purely through anecdotal evidence, determined that Mike Shanahan uses a certain prosthetic appliance. And every time he is shown during an NFL broadcast Mrs. Foot-Long Dodger Blog is compelled to scream, "Glass Eye! Glass Eye!"

Hopefully his next job is outside of the AFC West.

You be the judge.

Furcal to Return in 2009

Like a good eBayer, Ned moved in and sniped a slightly used Rafael Furcal auction. This was an imperative for the Dodgers. And in no way should the shopping list be called completed. Time to find some power Ned.

Furcal Wants to be a Dodger

Tim Brown says Rafael Furcal is nearing a decision. Of course if he wanted to chase the bread, he would have already signed with Oakland. And Kansas City? That's kind of like moving to Barstow. You don't choose Kansas City, you end up there.

We're ambivalent here. We love Furcal when he's healthy, which hasn't been often. But if Ned doesn't sign Furcal, look for Jack Wilson in Dodger blue. Therein (therein?) lies the problem. If Colletti doesn't want to pay Furcal, what sense does it make to pay 75 percent of his asking price to a dude that's not even half the player?

Jon Weisman says the Dodgers should address their outfield woes rather than concentrate on Furcal. Our question: why can't they do both?

Does Anybody Have Ross Porter's Number?

By now everyone knows that the Dodgers are looking for some help on the TV broadcast. Of course we knew that before Tom Hoffarth told us that Charley Steiner was relegated to the full-time radio gig.


Read into this however you may, but the Dodgers have decided that having a consistent radio broadcast team means Charley Steiner won't be doing any TV work during the 2009 season.


We've always been critical of the dumping of Ross Porter, and say what you will of him, the Vinless portion of the Dodger broadcasts has been mediocre at best ever since. We doubt that even Porter's detractors would say it's better.

As former flackers we recognize the opportunity here for the McCourts to drum up some good pub and improve the broadcast by bringing Porter back to the Dodger family. After all, whoever (whomever?) gets the job is going to be the guy who'll likely assume the reigns in post Vin Scully Dodgerdom (we literally cry ourselves to sleep every night at that thought) and that tends to go badly. Ask Paul Sunderland.

The PR gaffes under the McCourt regime have been numerous and mostly funny. How about the time they called during Dodgertalk to complain that the hosts were (host was?) not sympathetic enough to the team? Seriously guys, nobody likes a homer. And what is the reason that Frank McCourt needs to shove his mug into more cameras than Villaraigosa? They do know that having him as the face of the franchise damages the brand, right?

That was an aside (digression?). Here's the deal. We know it won't be Porter. Although if it were, we'd want it written into his deal that he got to drag his nuts across Frank McCourt's lips one time as a repayment for the professional disrespect he endured. We don't mind Jim "Watty" Watson or Bill "Billy Mac" McDonald. Those dudes are pros with LA cred. Just remember - nobody likes a homer.

Ned Colletti Thinks it's 1996

Not content to let those chardonnay sipping elitists in Frisco monopolize every past-his-prime-never-was ballplayer in the NL West, our boy Ned is reportedly interested in Omar Vizquel as a fallback option at shortstop.

For the Dodgers? The Los Angeles Dodgers? In 2009? Not Omar Vizquel Jr., but the actual Omar Vizquel? We're talking about the older gentleman that used to be a major league shortstop? Did he learn how to throw the knuckleball?

From Tony Jackson:

He clearly would be nothing more than a fallback plan if the club doesn't sign Rafael Furcal, he'll turn 42 in April, and he hasn't hit better than .250 in three years. But he IS an 11-time Gold Glove winner and would be another excellent addition to the clubhouse. He also would shore up the SS position for a year until Ivan De Jesus is ready, although he wouldn't come close to providing the offense Furcal did.

Clearly.

Vizquel had outgrown his usefulness the first time Ned signed him - in 2005. On what planet is Omar Vizquel a more appealing "fallback" than Chin-Lung Hu?

Even Sabean has to be laughing at this one.

Update

Diamond Leung says no:

Colletti indicated the team wasn't looking at free-agent shortstop Omar Vizquel as an option.

Damn. So close.

Update

Tony Jackson got some bad info:

By the way, I got bad info earlier. The Dodgers are NOT interested in Omar Vizquel.

So much bullshit comes out of those meetings, still it's something one easily could see Ned doing.

Sabathia Gets Paid

According to everyone CC Sabathia is getting crazy money to go to the Yankees.

We're way too lazy and dumb to understand WHIP and ERA+ and BABIP. However, we do know fat. CC Sabathia is fat. He also threw a ridiculous amount of innings last season which makes for a bad combo. Don't get us wrong he's probably got a couple of nice years left, but a fat 28-year-old dude can get by on his youth. A fat 32-year-old dude no longer has youth on his side. Just ask Andruw Jones.

And nobody need remind us that Babe Ruth was also very fat. David Wells and Charles Barkley are pretty fat too. We're generally pro obesity, particularly when it comes to professional athletes. Terry Forster and John Kruk are two of our favorites (we've been scouring YouTube for the Late Night clip with Forster eating a sandwich). We're just saying that if we were to invest $160 million in a dude, we'd prefer he not be fat.

Of course we root for a team that signs old, kinda fat, and definitely injured dudes.


Couldn't find the clip we wanted, but this one's pretty good.