Flaming Lips on my Foot-Long Dodger Blog

Check Us Out at TravisRodgersNow.com

2009-12-28T09:58:00.000-08:00

These days we're drizzling most of our genius at TravisRodgersNow.com. Apparently ass kissing occasionally pays off. We're the guy not named Travis Rodgers by the way. But fear not, we'll be here ranting periodically on Frank McCourt's tragic face lift and worse personnel decisions as news is made.

Also, if you're not a Russian bride check us out on Twitter.

Report: Cuban Interested in Doyers

2009-11-10T07:53:00.000-08:00

Bill Shaikin, who is putting in some nice work on the Dodger divorce debacle, has a quick hitter onMark Cuban in which he admits to having some interest in purchasing the Los Angeles Dodgers.

"I'm not a fan of debt-driven acquisitions," Cuban wrote. "If a unique situation came up where I could contribute capital to buy out a majority shareholder and gain control, with existing shareholders or note holders staying in place, I would consider it."

At this point we'd take anyone not named McCourt or Rupert Murdoch. But Cuban is savvy and if he's got real interest, he'll wait until the vacuous, publicity starved, money hoarders cannibalize each other so he can get the club on the cheap. Say what you will about Cuban, his NBA track record demonstrates that he wants to win desperately. And unlike current ownership, he's already rich.

MLB doesn't like owners to have interests in other professional leagues, but they have to be disgusted with the McCourts at this point just like the rest of us. We know it's a long shot, but we'll pray for it tonight right after we chant a psalm for a catastrophic McCourt plastic surgery mishap.

Our New Favorite Web Site

2009-11-04T12:58:00.000-08:00

We have long held that the McCourts are horrible people. The first sign for us was their distasteful treatment of Los Angeles icon Ross Porter. We knew then that these carpetbaggers had no appreciation for the history of the Dodgers, and that under their reign the fans would always be an afterthought.

Now a scant six years into the McCourt era their comeuppance is at hand in the form of what's shaping into a brutally bitter divorce. And since we're way to lazy to suss out all of the coverage, we're happy to pass along a new blog that will do all of the heavy lifting for us. Check out DodgerDivorce.com for info and analysis on the breakup of the two worst people in Los Angeles.

Plaschke: Dodgers are Pussies

2009-10-15T10:34:00.000-07:00

48 paragraphs.
A couple as long as three sentences.
His thesis: the Dodgers better not be afraid to throw inside.
Uh...ok?
Does he get paid for this?

For Sale: Five-Tool Center Fielder, Lefty Phenom and Anything Else Not Nailed to Stadium Floor

2009-10-15T07:44:00.000-07:00

While we have long advocated that Frank McCourt follow the John Moores model of ownership, apparently we should have been more clear. Our thinking was that owners should sign checks in seclusion from atop their ever growing pile of cash and not shove their giant grinning mugs in every available camera. But just like Foot-Long parents, Foot-Long wife and Foot-Long children, McCourt completely missed the point.

Dodger fans had better hope to finish the job this year because just like John and Becky, there is trouble in Frank and Jamie's paradise as they have announced their separation. Unless Frank has a few more parking lots with which to settle this divorce, the Dodgers could soon be relegated to the Kansas City, Pittsburgh and San Diego second division.

Breaking News: City of Boston More Jealous than High School Chick

2009-10-11T09:54:00.000-07:00

We are almost positive that JD Drew used to play for the Dodgers, although it's kind of tough to remember since it was like two (three?) seasons ago. We tend to save our memories for iconic Dodgers like Tripp Cromer and Chad Fonville. But we checked (lie) and sure enough Drew and his Bible (low blow) chillaxed in right field at the Ravine for a couple of pretty solid (we're guessing?) seasons.

Our memory jogged by Maker's Mark, we even recall that Drew left under curious circumstances by exercising an opt out clause in his deal that caused The Piece (sorry Ned) to pretty much lose his mind. In fact, Drew's decision to opt out left the Dodgers kind of fucked and indirectly led to the biggest boner (boner?) in Dodger history, the signing of Andruw (Andrew!) Jones (you're finally off the hook Delino). And as we recall, (barely) Drew quickly signed with the Boston Red Sox after only a short period of free agency prompting some folks in LA to whisper the word "tampering."

The point is that JD Drew should be persona non grata (is that Latin?) in LA, but no one here even remembers him. Somehow Dodger fans moved on. That brings us to Boston. The city that was so sick of Manny Ramirez that they dumped him on the hapless Dodgers for free. Good riddance they said, we like Jason Bay better anyway. We'll they're so happy to be rid of Manny, that more than a year later, they're still talking about him...angrily.

Old Bob Ryan (and by old we mean voted for Grover Cleveland, attended the last supper, etc.) is laughing and pointing at Los Angeles in that "I told you so" sort of way usually reserved for insanely jealous high school chicks. And even better, he's teamed up with some columnist from the thing that used to be the LA Times. Together they make the point (we'll give them the benefit of the doubt) that the bloom is off the Manny rose and that LA is sick of his malingering and he's lazy and he sucks and oh by the way, we told you so.

Manny Mania seems to have subsided.

I enter into evidence as Exhibit A yesterday’s Los Angeles Times Page 2 submission by general columnist Steve Lopez, a Dodgers partial season ticket-holder. Mr. Lopez is offering both of his World Series tickets (if) to the reader who writes the best 50-word, as Lopez calls it, “sermon’’ to Manny Ramírez, who, it seems, has reverted to his legendary slothful ways.

Manny Ramírez 2009 .290/.418/.531/.949. Despite the fact that he served a 50 game suspension he leads the team with the best record in the National League in OBP, SLG, OPS, intentional walks and some other stuff that we're too "slothful" to research. What a lazy piece of shit.

“Ramírez outdid himself,’’ wrote Lopez. “A ball skidded past him and he barely moved to get it. He jogged. He slummed. He might as well have thumbed his nose at all the plumbers and teachers and gardeners who paid hard-earned money to get into the park.’’And, of course, we know it wasn’t an isolated incident. We in Boston have been there before.

Anectdotal evidence! That's totally our favorite kind! He didn't chase a ball fast enough, and the plumbers are pissed. Look we get it, Manny Ramirez is a very polarizing figure. But seriously Boston, get over it. Players change teams all the time. Dodger fans aren't all hurt that JD Drew left. We never burned Steve Garvey in effigy. Stop being so bitter about Manny. After all he's just a lazy, me-first juicer anyway.

Breaking News: Al Davis is Insane

2009-10-02T10:52:00.000-07:00

We have always loved the Los Angeles/Oakland Raiders. Don't get us wrong, we root hard for them to lose every game and most Sundays we end up celebrating. To us the Raiders are the NFL's version of Notre Dame. Those teams have been horrific for as long as we can remember, but their fans are quick to talk about their unparalleled winning tradition.

Now the Raiders are taking it to another level. Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle has a tremendous story about the Raiders trying to ban network broadcaster and former Raider Pro Bowl quarterback Rich Gannon from the routine pregame meeting with the coaches. Turns out Gannon is a turncoat.

The Raiders tried to bar national TV analyst Rich Gannon from their headquarters, announcing that he would not be allowed to attend a meeting at which his broadcast team would prep for Sunday's Raiders-Broncos game.

These production meetings are standard fare. As far as I know, this was the first instance in NFL history of a team trying to bar a broadcaster.

Gannon, former Raiders quarterback, is considered a traitor because he has been critical of the team that is the losingest in football over the last six seasons.

Is there anything better than a crappy team seeking retribution against a former player for saying that they're a crappy team? How is it that no one can tell Al Davis that this behavior is completely irrational? What do the other owners say?

We just hope that whatever has kept Al Davis alive this long keeps working, because we'll never see anything like this in professional sports again.

Breaking News: LA Times Also Gay for Ethier

2009-09-20T13:39:00.000-07:00

No surprise here. The LA Times - or what's left of it - totally bit our Andre Ethier post of a couple days back. Like you, they are unable to keep their eyes off of our effluent genius. No worries, our story was way funnier and totally loaded with homoeroticism (totally loaded with homoeroticism? We're officially contemplating retirement as we're positive we'll never produce anything even remotely that good again). What were we saying? The Times is all gay for Andre just like us, but they do it with a lot of Ned Colletti ass kissing. As usual we like us better.

Breaking News: Money Waster Dominates Man Who Drinks Pee Pee

2009-09-20T08:26:00.000-07:00

Floyd Mayweather Jr. displayed no apparent signs of the ring rust we brazenly foresaw here. Although as with most sporting events (see also public executions, granny porn, reality shows and Angel games) we didn't watch. We much prefer to pass unqualified judgment on things from afar. America! But for those that missed the point, here's the point. If there's a dude that drinks his own urine competing at anything against a dude that doesn't have the good sense to consume his own piss, we always take the piss drinker. As if you needed to be told that.

In related news Raven, Brittany, Nevaeh and all the other strippers on duty at the LV Rhino (do yourself a favor and don't click the link - super annoying video that will get you fired starts immediately. I thought ESPN and Dodgers.com had the lock on that crap? Dicks.) enjoyed record tips last night. Seems $15 million just doesn't go as far as it used to. Huh?

They Call him Money?

2009-09-19T14:37:00.000-07:00

It's well known that boxing has fallen about as far into a hole as any sport probably could (sorry hockey). While the hardcore fans still buy up the pay-per-views, the average boxing fan barely takes note of even the big fights. That said, the consensus pound-for-pound champion Floyd Mayweather Jr. is stepping back into the ring tonight after a 19-month "retirement" to collect a check and tune up for an even bigger payday against Manny Pacquiao. Mayweather whose nickname is "Money," probably earned for his ability to spend it faster than he earns it, made the catch weight of 147 for tonight's bout with Juan Manuel Marquez, but owes Marquez some of that money for failing to meet the agreed upon weight of 144 lbs.

Marquez while not the physical or tactical equal of Mayweather is still a true ring warrior on par with some of the greats of all time. And though he is certainly a huge underdog tonight, it's hard not to like a focused, tough and ready Marquez against a fighter coming off an almost two-year layoff and most certainly looking toward the next fight. And as you've certainly seen by now Marquez takes his training VERY seriously. So who do you like, a lazy legend looking for a paycheck or a tough, focused fighter that drinks his own piss?

Breaking News: Joe Torre Does Something Smart

2009-09-17T12:45:00.000-07:00

Maybe we give Joe Torre too hard of a time? He has won a couple of World Series', and those appearances have been pretty scarce 'round the Ravine of late. But how fun is it to point out people's successes anyway? This is the freakin' Internet!

Torre's finally got the good sense to put Chad Billingsley on the rack for awhile. Let's hope this is good for Billingsley since he's been dragging his face around the mound like a basset hound these days. The problem for Billingsley is that everyone knows it's in his head. He's had injuries to both hamstrings and it would have been easy to blame his problems on that, but Torre (speaking of basset hounds?) got all Dr. Phil with it and said Billingsley's got to get his head on straight.

From the LA Times:

Torre said he tapped Garland for Saturday partly because he has "had maybe a little more success against the Giants than Bills has." But Torre also said of Billingsley, "We're all of a mind that we want to get him in a good place.

A good place? Why don't you just call the guy a pussy? Just tell the media he's banged up and needs a rest, then call him a pussy in private.

Either way Billingsley needs to sit down, and so do a lot of guys for that matter. The Dodgers have a playoff spot locked down, and they need to use their expanded rosters and shelve the playoff studs. Torre should rest Randy Wolf, Johnathan Broxton and some of the regular players in preparation for a trip to the World Series.

After all, that's why Ned Colletti grabbed junk like Jon Garland and Vicente Padilla from the shit pile. Those dudes are playing for contracts. They will gladly stay on the mound until their collective elbow explodes like one of those poppy things on New Year's Eve.

Let's just hope Billingsley figures it out before facing Albert Pujols with dudes on base.

Matablog: Pavement to Reunite for 2010 Tour

2009-09-17T08:09:00.001-07:00

Don't get us wrong, we love Pavement. Slanted and Enchanted has been in heavy rotation on Foot-Long Dodger iPod for years. We're just so burnt out on band reunions. We're going to let this one simmer until a SoCal date is announced. Chances are that we'll be a little more pumped about it later. We're sure they were breathlessly awaiting our response.

Weisman: Foot-Long Dodger Blog is Right

2009-09-17T07:38:00.000-07:00

We agree. Although we favor Andre Ethier slightly.

We also like the tongue-so-firmly-in-cheek-that-it-connotes-deformity nod to Juan Pierre's Dodger MVP candidacy. Side note: is there anything more condescending than calling something "cute?" Love it. Although we think a certain Los Angeles sportswriter might not get the joke. The countdown to Bill Plaschke's Pierre for MVP column starts now.

We Couldn't be More Smitten

2009-09-16T07:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we came out of the Ethier closet, only to have him double and score the tying run in the ninth, and blast yet another walk-off home run in the 13th inning. It's cool Andre, but we're already as gay as we can possibly be for you.

Dear Andre, We're Officially Gay for You

2009-09-15T08:13:00.000-07:00

For a guy that pretty much gets worked in every trade he makes, Ned Colletti still gets a pass for the one deal in which he clearly won. Ned we forgive you for Lance Carter, Danys Baez and Julio Lugo. Well, not really. Those trades were colossally dopey, even for Ned. The fact that the Dodgers were able to get anything for Milton Bradley when the whole world knew he had to go is amazing. But Andre Ethier? He was a known commodity, an outfielder with tremendous upside.

Manny Ramirez is arguably the best right-handed hitter of his generation, and Matt Kemp is one of the most talented players to don the blue in recent memory. But there's something about Ethier. Those other guys are so good that they make it seem too easy. Ethier gives off the vibe that he is getting everything out of his ability. Maybe its the streakiness, the slumps? Do his struggles make his successes that much more savory? We don't like to get all "heart and soul" with it, but with apologies to all you Russell Martin fans - Ethier is it. Don't give us the numbers. We'll do it like Plaschke, with our eyes and superior reasoning. Ladies and gentlemen (ladies?) your 2009 Los Angeles Dodgers MVP, Andre Ethier.

What Happened to Our Favorite Sports Talk Show?

2009-09-10T15:13:00.000-07:00

We've been listening to The Jim Rome Show pretty much every day since 1995. And the fact is that lately it has changed significantly for the worse. Always a polarizing figure, Rome has veered toward a bland, edgeless broadcast that borders on the unlistenable schlock available on pretty much every other sports talk show. The interactivity between host and listener that was originally a hallmark of the Jungle is essentially gone and the host's strong viewpoints have been toned way down.

The one noticeable change is the abrupt departure of long time producer Travis Rodgers. Rodgers, who crafted much of the show's largely scripted content, left the show with conspicuously little fanfare awhile back and the show is clearly the worse for it. Rodgers has recently resurfaced on Twitter, and even more recently with a new blog.

Don't get us wrong, Rome is a unique and formidable talent. His imprint on the sports media landscape is undeniable, but he is perhaps a victim of his own success. Were he lesser known would he be more willing to play fast and loose with his opinions, as well as allow his callers and e-mailers a bit more creative leeway? Whatever the issue for Rome, the bottom line is that his once funny and entertaining show is currently neither.

Breaking News: Stooges to Tour With Former Guitarist

2009-09-04T13:24:00.001-07:00

Rolling Stone (via Pitchfork) says that James Newell Osterberg, Jr. has coaxed his one time collaborator/muse/musical foil James Williamson out of musical retirement (although he is also coming out of regular retirement, which is kinda weird). This probably won't be as exciting now that these dudes are in their sixties, and presumably not crazy from heaps of cocaine. But Williamson era Stooges live with Mike frickin' Watt? We're in.

We do not purport ourselves as Iggy Pop and or Stooges experts, but we like (love?) the music and we did read this book about him. If you haven't, maybe you should?

I See the Dodgers and They Look Scared

2009-09-04T10:50:00.000-07:00

Some crappy Frisco sportswriter apparently over served on ballpark chardonnay is yipping about how the Dodgers are scared of the Giants stable of “aces.”

The standings aren't appreciably different, but for the Giants, the division title is now officially in play. And that's not a writer's opinion. You can bet that comes straight from the Dodgers' clubhouse.

Journalism baby, he’s got an inside source. This guy’s old school. Either that or he skimmed a shitty column by another know-nothing sportswriter. Check. So the Dodgers are scared of the Giants because of Tim Lincecum and Matt Cain. No doubt those guys are pretty tough, aces even. Oh wait, you’re talking about someone else…on the Giants?

If the Dodgers caught any of the Giants-Phillies series on television, they watched two back-of-the-rotation starters, Jonathan Sanchez and Brad Penny, throw masterful games against the defending world champions in a bandbox ballpark. Penny's performance was downright mind-blowing last night, and while no one expects him to throw eight shutout innings every time out, there's no puzzle about his fastball (96-97 mph at its best last night), his curveball or his competitive nature.

Who cares about Penny’s fastball? We’re more impressed that despite a lazy eye, beer belly, limited intelligence and redneck tendencies this guy was able to bang Eliza Dushku. That is mind blowing.

Watching Penny last night, I got the same feeling I had when Jason Schmidt made his debut in a Giants uniform.

Is it a tingling in the loins or more of a burn? This guy really loves Penny. Turns out the Giants pitchers are so good that despite trailing the Dodgers in every significant statistical category including wins and losses, they can’t even decide which pitcher to use to dominate them.

As we speak, the Giants have five guys pitching like aces. They wouldn't hesitate to start any of them in a make-or-break game (although Tim Lincecum, who goes tonight, would be the obvious preference).

World Series Game 7, is Bochy giving the ball to his Cy Young winner or the fat guy that just got released? Who cares? After all, they have FIVE aces. Lincecum shmincecum (shmincecum?) The Giants should just let him take off for the rest of the season. They obviously don’t need him. They have Brad Penny now.

The Dodgers? Well, they have no aces. Nothing even close. Chad Billingsley had that role for a while, and he was looking the part, but when the Diamondbacks roughed him up for a four-run, six-hit inning last night, it meant Billingsley's 11th loss in his last 14 starts, with a 5.24 ERA. Billingsley didn't pitch all that badly, especially early (retiring the first 12 hitters), but he did give up a two-run homer to Brandon Allen.

The emperor has no clothes! He allowed a home run. Never mind that Kershaw’s been practically unhittable in the second half and Randy Wolf is pitching with massive dollar signs (probably from the Giants) in his eyes.

Whoever takes the mound for the Dodgers these days -- Billingsley, Randy Wolf, Clayton Kershaw, Vicente Padilla, Jon Garland, knuckleballer Charlie Haeger -- you're not looking at an ace. More like a prayer. Any time Wolf (9-6, 3.25) becomes your mainstay, you're in serious trouble.

I sense a duplicity here - hypocrisy even. You see the Giants have “five guys pitching like aces,” but if the Dodgers need to rely on Randy Wolf they’re clearly fucked.

Linceceum and Cain are a pretty solid one-two punch, so solid in fact that if the playoffs were to start today…wait…the Giants are in third place? Why the fuck did we waste the last 45 minutes writing this shitty post then? Frisco’s pitching is so dominant that they’ll be on the couch with us watching that weak (read: best in the league) Dodger pitching staff try to win the World Series. Don't worry guys, Foot-Long Dodger wife makes killer chicken wings and we always stock the good NoCal craft brews. Gotta love sportswriters.

Breaking News: Bill Plaschke is a Total Douche

2009-09-03T13:01:00.000-07:00

Phil Wallace who contributes to Native Intelligence at LA Observed takes a look at our friend Bill Plaschke through the prism of his schizophrenic Matt Kemp coverage.

Everyone knows that the LA Times has the worst sports columnists around, and Plaschke is for our money the crappiest of the bunch. Although Kurt Streeter is also horrible, but we haven't been subjected to him for nearly as long. At least TJ Simers - who is useless - has a formula (albeit a dreadfully tired one) and sticks to it. Plaschke's opinion seems to change with the breeze and Wallace demonstrates this in detail.

Why are newspaper's dying? Partly because they tend to hitch their wagons to crabby old blowhards like these dudes.

Breaking News: Asshole Sucks at Pitching

2009-09-01T08:32:00.000-07:00

Rule of thumb: if you're a major fucking asshole, it's important to also be good at your job. Otherwise you're just an asshole.

Breaking News: Dodgers Acquire Hall of Fame Hitter and Some Other Dude That Pretty Much Sucks

2009-09-01T08:26:00.000-07:00

I bet Eric Stults is really regretting that three way with Mrs. Torre and Mrs. Colletti right about now. The Dodgers have literally done everything they could to keep him off the Dodger Stadium mound. Even going so far as to acquire a mostly terrible Jon Garland last night. And that's not even the worst part. It sounds like the Cabal of Ineptitude - always willing to sell low - are reportedly giving up Tony Abreu for the privilege of Garland's crappy services for the rest of the year.

In return, the White Sox will receive Minor League infielder Justin Fuller. The D-backs will receive a player to be named, who, according to several Dodgers, will be Tony Abreu, but Abreu needs to first clear waivers. Abreu once was considered a top infield prospect, but his progress was stalled by three years of injuries.

This post is not without praise however. The Cabal also did something smart last night in acquiring future Hall of Famer Jim Thome to sit on the bench and scare the shit out of opposing managers.

Breaking News: High School Football Players Have Nowhere to Mosh

2009-08-22T08:28:00.000-07:00

So it looks like Pennywise lead singer Jim Lindberg has (finally?) left the band. Word is he's working on a documentary follow up to his daddy memoir Punk Rock Dad which we're embarrassed to admit we read (two word review: total yawner) and a (god help us) solo record. Forgive us our ignorance, but Pennywise has been missing from our radar since about '95 or so. We were totally unaware they were still a band. Although, we're not afraid to admit that when one of their cockrocky anthems shows up during our thrice weekly hill runs, we always get that fist pumpin'. Hey...keep that low.

You're Welcome

2009-08-21T07:11:00.000-07:00

Of course we were aware that when we posted a genius brief about Russel Martin's two seasons of suckitude, he would immediately go off. That's how much we love the Dodgers. We'll fuck with a guy just to see how he'll respond. We even drizzled our brilliance on the comments over at kensai's place based on the highly unlikely event that Martin isn't checking this site on an hourly basis. So the bar is set. For the remainder of the season Russell Martin needs to hit a four-run home run every night to escape our considerable fury. Now if you'll excuse us we have a goat to slaughter as a sacrifice to whatever deity is angry at James Loney's bat.

Smells Like 2007 in Here

2009-08-20T18:01:00.000-07:00

Looks like Livan Hernandez finally got released.

If he hadn't started against the Dodgers awhile back we would have never known he was still playing. Don't get any ideas Ned. Unless you need help finishing off the post game spread.

Check out a way better Levon.

And He Makes Errors Too!

2009-08-20T09:36:00.000-07:00

We know that it is sacrilege to disparage future Hall of Fame catcher Russell Martin, after all he is a gamer. But let's face it Martin has been a huge disappointment for the Dodgers. Notwithstanding his critical error that cost the Dodger's last night's game, he simply is not that special. He has completely lost any ability to hit the ball over the fence. He draws the occasional walk and on rare occasions a base hit, but it's time to admit it - he is just another light hitting catcher. You know, the kind that plays for every other team in the league.

Let the Danny Ardoin drum beat begin.

Remember When Pitchers Used to Pitch the Entire Game?

2009-07-30T07:10:00.000-07:00

Add this to the myriad list of things we just don't get. What is the reason for pulling a pitcher who is thoroughly dominating an opponent? We know that your closer is among the best in baseball. And we are also aware that you don't want to burn out your young ace. But what the fuck? Isn't it worth it to leave your stud on the bump (stud on the bump?) for the confidence boost alone?

Clayton Kershaw is clearly coming into his own (coming into his own?) And a complete game shutout victory to end the first three game losing streak of the season may have given Kershaw the swagger of an ace. We know you can't quantify confidence, and we really are nitpicking because let's face it Joe Torre does way dumber stuff in practically every game. We're just saying. Maybe we could consider letting a starter finish a game once in awhile?

How About Pierre for Pujols?

2009-07-12T13:42:00.000-07:00

Bill Shaikin's proposed trade for Roy Halladay is doubtlessly a pipe dream, although we'd pull the trigger in a heart beat (heartbeat?). What's interesting here is that someone in the Los Angeles media will actually broach the topic of trading Russell Martin. We all know how those dudes at the LA Times get all misty eyed when it comes to heart-and-soul, dick-in-the-dirt types of guys like Martin. Bill Plaschke still gets all weepy when the ghost of Paul LoDuca haunts his column. After all, how dumb was it to trade a decent catcher due a big payday and a statistical decline for a front of the rotation starting pitcher? How soon we forget, LoDuca hustled!

So here the Dodgers sit wondering what it would take to make a serious run at Roy Halladay. The name Clayton Kershaw gets bandied about often, probably by J.P. Ricciardi. But trading your second best starter for your first best starter seems like a weak net result when the bottom line is a World Series. And let's be clear, the Dodgers don't have a GM with the sack to do a big deal like this. This package might not get you a Halladay, but would it get you Jake Peavy? It definitely won't get you Cliff Lee. The Indians are pretty stocked at catcher (thanks in part to our boy Ned.) All this trade discussion is pointless anyway. We'll sum it up with this: if a starting pitcher could be had for the scant price of a league average catcher, you do it. Even if he hustles.

Breaking News: Livan Hernandez Miraculously Still Employed

2009-07-09T18:17:00.000-07:00

Raise your hand if you were honestly aware that Livan Hernandez was still employed as a major league pitcher?

Liar.

You're Dumb if You Don't Hate Manny

2009-07-03T14:16:00.000-07:00

We told you so.

Jayson (with a Y) Stark wants you to know how dumb you are for not having his opinion. He even invited some professorial type dudes to try to figure out why we're all so dumb.

We're just a bunch of dumb dummies.

Anything Going on Tonight?

2009-07-03T07:31:00.000-07:00

Hooray for sanctimonious sportswriters!

As we celebrate the return of Manny Ramirez (and a certain genius Dodgers blog - you know we mean this one, right?) sportswriters - not just Plaschke - are getting all high-and-mighty with it again. So look for a lot of "this is bad for baseball," and "Manny shouldn't be in the All Star Game" and our personal favorite the dreaded "he's not getting my Hall of Fame vote!" Not to get too existential here, but can a Hall of Fame without Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez and Manny Ramirez still be called the Hall of Fame?

On another note, go buy the new Wilco record.

Glass Eye! Glass Eye!

2008-12-30T16:06:00.000-08:00

We kind of have mixed emotions here. On the one hand we follow the San Diego Chargers. In fact, we were so pleased with Sunday night's victory over the Denver Broncos that we almost said no to those last three fingers of Jameson. Almost.

On the other hand we like to laugh at the misfortune of the Oakland/Los Angeles Raiders. And the Raiders firing of Mike Shanahan, followed by his team soundly throttling the Raiders practically every time they play is pretty amusing.

We are happy at the Shanahan firing for one reason. Foot-Long Dodger wife has, purely through anecdotal evidence, determined that Mike Shanahan uses a certain prosthetic appliance. And every time he is shown during an NFL broadcast Mrs. Foot-Long Dodger Blog is compelled to scream, "Glass Eye! Glass Eye!"

Hopefully his next job is outside of the AFC West.

You be the judge.

Furcal to Return in 2009

2008-12-17T20:47:00.000-08:00

Like a good eBayer, Ned moved in and sniped a slightly used Rafael Furcal auction. This was an imperative for the Dodgers. And in no way should the shopping list be called completed. Time to find some power Ned.

Furcal Wants to be a Dodger

2008-12-15T17:41:00.000-08:00

Tim Brown says Rafael Furcal is nearing a decision. Of course if he wanted to chase the bread, he would have already signed with Oakland. And Kansas City? That's kind of like moving to Barstow. You don't choose Kansas City, you end up there.

We're ambivalent here. We love Furcal when he's healthy, which hasn't been often. But if Ned doesn't sign Furcal, look for Jack Wilson in Dodger blue. Therein (therein?) lies the problem. If Colletti doesn't want to pay Furcal, what sense does it make to pay 75 percent of his asking price to a dude that's not even half the player?

Jon Weisman says the Dodgers should address their outfield woes rather than concentrate on Furcal. Our question: why can't they do both?

Does Anybody Have Ross Porter's Number?

2008-12-13T09:12:00.000-08:00

By now everyone knows that the Dodgers are looking for some help on the TV broadcast. Of course we knew that before Tom Hoffarth told us that Charley Steiner was relegated to the full-time radio gig.

Read into this however you may, but the Dodgers have decided that having a consistent radio broadcast team means Charley Steiner won't be doing any TV work during the 2009 season.

We've always been critical of the dumping of Ross Porter, and say what you will of him, the Vinless portion of the Dodger broadcasts has been mediocre at best ever since. We doubt that even Porter's detractors would say it's better.

As former flackers we recognize the opportunity here for the McCourts to drum up some good pub and improve the broadcast by bringing Porter back to the Dodger family. After all, whoever (whomever?) gets the job is going to be the guy who'll likely assume the reigns in post Vin Scully Dodgerdom (we literally cry ourselves to sleep every night at that thought) and that tends to go badly. Ask Paul Sunderland.

The PR gaffes under the McCourt regime have been numerous and mostly funny. How about the time they called during Dodgertalk to complain that the hosts were (host was?) not sympathetic enough to the team? Seriously guys, nobody likes a homer. And what is the reason that Frank McCourt needs to shove his mug into more cameras than Villaraigosa? They do know that having him as the face of the franchise damages the brand, right?

That was an aside (digression?). Here's the deal. We know it won't be Porter. Although if it were, we'd want it written into his deal that he got to drag his nuts across Frank McCourt's lips one time as a repayment for the professional disrespect he endured. We don't mind Jim "Watty" Watson or Bill "Billy Mac" McDonald. Those dudes are pros with LA cred. Just remember - nobody likes a homer.

Ned Colletti Thinks it's 1996

2008-12-10T17:28:00.000-08:00

Not content to let those chardonnay sipping elitists in Frisco monopolize every past-his-prime-never-was ballplayer in the NL West, our boy Ned is reportedly interested in Omar Vizquel as a fallback option at shortstop.

For the Dodgers? The Los Angeles Dodgers? In 2009? Not Omar Vizquel Jr., but the actual Omar Vizquel? We're talking about the older gentleman that used to be a major league shortstop? Did he learn how to throw the knuckleball?

From Tony Jackson:

He clearly would be nothing more than a fallback plan if the club doesn't sign Rafael Furcal, he'll turn 42 in April, and he hasn't hit better than .250 in three years. But he IS an 11-time Gold Glove winner and would be another excellent addition to the clubhouse. He also would shore up the SS position for a year until Ivan De Jesus is ready, although he wouldn't come close to providing the offense Furcal did.

Clearly.

Vizquel had outgrown his usefulness the first time Ned signed him - in 2005. On what planet is Omar Vizquel a more appealing "fallback" than Chin-Lung Hu?

Even Sabean has to be laughing at this one.

Update

Diamond Leung says no:

Colletti indicated the team wasn't looking at free-agent shortstop Omar Vizquel as an option.

Damn. So close.

Update

Tony Jackson got some bad info:

By the way, I got bad info earlier. The Dodgers are NOT interested in Omar Vizquel.

So much bullshit comes out of those meetings, still it's something one easily could see Ned doing.

Sabathia Gets Paid

2008-12-10T10:21:00.000-08:00

According to everyone CC Sabathia is getting crazy money to go to the Yankees.

We're way too lazy and dumb to understand WHIP and ERA+ and BABIP. However, we do know fat. CC Sabathia is fat. He also threw a ridiculous amount of innings last season which makes for a bad combo. Don't get us wrong he's probably got a couple of nice years left, but a fat 28-year-old dude can get by on his youth. A fat 32-year-old dude no longer has youth on his side. Just ask Andruw Jones.

And nobody need remind us that Babe Ruth was also very fat. David Wells and Charles Barkley are pretty fat too. We're generally pro obesity, particularly when it comes to professional athletes. Terry Forster and John Kruk are two of our favorites (we've been scouring YouTube for the Late Night clip with Forster eating a sandwich). We're just saying that if we were to invest $160 million in a dude, we'd prefer he not be fat.

Of course we root for a team that signs old, kinda fat, and definitely injured dudes.

Couldn't find the clip we wanted, but this one's pretty good.

This Simply Cannot be True

2008-12-10T09:02:00.000-08:00

What's the big deal with signing a free agent power pitcher with a torn rotator cuff? Oh by the way his current team is making no attempt to resign him. Don't sweat it - we've got insurance!

From Bill Shaikin:

"At the time the Dodgers entered into the policy with ACE," the suit reads, "both the Dodgers and ACE were aware that Mr. Schmidt had for some time during his career with the San Francisco Giants been suffering from a partial tear of the rotator cuff in his right [pitching] shoulder."

We're not sure why, but we love this story. How many people had to sign off on this deal? What's the premium to insure a $47 million contract on a dude that's already injured?

We're starting to love the Cabal of Ineptitude.

Your Move Mr. Sabean

2008-12-10T08:25:00.000-08:00

I'll see your Renteria, and raise you one Casey Blake. Any chance Sabean goes all in with Joe Crede?

Blake's decent enough although the price seems a bit steep. We're in the MSTI camp. If the Twins were unwilling to guarantee a third year, why didn't the Dodgers just offer two years and one dollar more than the Twins? In year three this guy's going to be old as hell, powerless and riding the pine a la Nomar.

How Very Brian Sabean of You

2008-12-04T21:36:00.000-08:00

Thankfully Brian Sabean is around to keep Ned from going all Brian Sabean and making deals like this. Yeah it's short on years, but Renteria is short on effort and ability. While he was a beast back in the day, that was back in the day.

For what it's worth Keith Law likes this deal and seems to think it shows a new side of Brian Sabean. Seems like the same guy that gave all that money to Omar Vizquel.

Meet the new boss, same as the...you get it.

An Unfinished, Unedited Review of a Black Keys Show From Four Months Ago

2008-12-04T12:27:00.000-08:00

In light of the newly released (two weeks ago) Black Keys DVD Live at the Crystal Ballroom, we thought we’d post this incomplete review of the band from back in August. Forgive our use of the term “Mouse House.” We may have been drinking. Enjoy?

You must truly love the way you look in a leather motorcycle jacket to rock one for a Black Keys show on an August night in Anaheim. We're paraphrasing our comment to Mrs. Foot-Long Dodger Blog during last night’s sweltering psychedelic swamp stomp at the Mouse House.

We’re embarrassed to admit this was our first go ‘round with the Black Keys, although we’ve been a fan since thickfreakness. Suffice it to say the band did not disappoint.

Tearing through a career-spanning set that ranged from melodic to apocalyptic, the Akron, Ohio duo exploded on to the stage and took no prisoners in a throbbing hour and a quarter set.

Dan Auerbach’s percussive finger picking (we never saw him use a pick) was a style lesson. And drummer Patrick Carney thrashed tastefully through the entire set upon a kit that we're certain will need a tune-up today.

Pretty great huh? Next time we'll keep writing, and like take notes. Check out the DVD.

Is Ned Colletti Drunk?

2008-11-27T08:25:00.000-08:00

Our boy Ned has demonstrated his uselessness on many occasions, but he's getting to the point of outright treason.

The question is now begged: Is Ned Colletti an double agent embedded by the chardonnay-and-sushi crew in NoCal? After all he is known to have worked there and has been seen sporting his 2002 NLCS ring (they apparently give rings for that?) around Chavez Ravine. What other reason could there be?

Who in their right mind would think it's a good idea to trade a young (read: cheap), slick fielding (read: can't hit) shortstop plus some other dudes for an old (read: old), expensive (like 7-8 million bucks) shortstop that is supposedly nice in the field (at age 32?) and - as his .312 lifetime OBP demonstrates - can't hit? Although Jack Wilson scores points with Foot-Long Dodger Blog for bearing a striking resemblance to Adam Carolla. In fact, if Colletti were to admit to the Dodger faithful that his only reason for pursuing Wilson was his Adam Carolla dopplegangery (probably not an actual, you know, word), we would wholly support the move.

It's simple economics (not that we ever took that class) Ned. Why would you exchange your inexpensive commodity for someone elses similar-but-pricey one? Especially when you have yet to determine the true value of your own?

This is an obvious attempt at sabotage. Does anyone remember Julio Lugo? At least the Dodgers got some draft compensation out of that. What better way for Brian Sabean to destroy his biggest rival than to implant a mole that operates exactly like Brian Sabean. Look for Pedro Feliz in Dodger blue at some point this season. Or this guy.

Keith Law Ranks the Top Free Agents

2008-11-15T06:59:00.000-08:00

We can only see the top ten as we don't subscribe, but three of the top six are Dodgers. We don't have to tell you who (whom?).

I wonder if the Dodgers are seriously trying to resign any of these dudes? Is it just a forgone conclusion that Derek Lowe hates LA? Granted, his house was on the market before the end of the season. Has the flame dimmed on his torrid romance with a former Dodger beat reporter? East coast, west coast? Something tells us that D. Lowe is going to sign with whomever offers the most scratch. Just a guess.

There seems to be quite market for Rafael Furcal which doesn't bode well for Los Doyers. We love Raffy, but between the *cringe* back surgery and the possibility of other dummies err GMs driving the market upwards of five years, it's probably time to say so long.

The market for our boy Manny seems a little less clear. We still think the final deal will be in the four year range. Which would likely mean two good years and two less than good years. This guy is a generational talent. Truly the best around. And like every other player in the history of the game, he is going to sign with the team that makes the biggest offer. As much as he sucks, Ned is playing this right so far. Let's see who offers what before going all Kevin Malone and getting fleeced (fleeced?).

A couple things we'd like to see. Can we kick the tires on Teixeira as a third baseman? The guy's a beast, but we don't see the Cabal of Ineptitude hearing any such noise.

And what about that giant Adam Dunn? We don't know about stats like VORP or OPS (probably bad examples cuz it looks like Dunn totally kills it at both of those.) But we do know about home runs and not getting out and Dunn totally does those good. Plus he's only 28. Seriously, we looked it up and he's only 28. No really, he only looks old. Apparently he sucks at fielding which we think we're supposed to care about, but when a guy is guaranteed to hit a home run every third game we can't get too bummed that he moves like a statue. Plus Foot-Long Dodger Blog has like the best solution ever. Adam Dunn plays left field with Juan Pierre in his pocket! That way when a ball gets hit to left field (how often does that happen anyway?) Little Juan can jump out of his back (hip?) pocket and go catch it. Best. Idea. Ever.

Bummer

2008-11-14T19:18:00.000-08:00

Noooo!

We're not sure we want to live in a world where FJM ceases to exist and these dudes thrive.

So long guys.

Manny Being Manny

2008-09-18T12:39:00.000-07:00

Found via LA Observed, this April 2007 piece from Ben McGrath of the New Yorker. Although it's pretty entertaining, there's probably nothing new here. The dude is basically a hitting savant that tends to be a bit flighty.

A Hint About 2009

2008-08-23T08:51:00.000-07:00

A disturbing little tidbit from a guy with some L.A. credibility.

From Tim Brown:

Sources who ought to know don’t seem to believe Colletti, who is under contract through next season, is in imminent danger of losing his job.
Sigh (puts hands in pockets and kicks at dirt.) Great (makes deal with God to quit masturbating for a year if he will only smite Ned Colletti from the Dodger front office...immediately realizes this same deal was made - and broken - twice last week. Wait...what? Refocuses.)

There's still hope. It's unlikely that this team will make the playoffs. And if they do, they're not going to the World Series. And if they go to World Series, they're not going to win. And if they win the World Series...wait, what?

With Colletti back next year look for the Dodgers to pick up somebody like Bobby Abreu, because everyone knows Andre Ethier can't hit lefties and Matt Kemp doesn't listen. Jeff Kent will certainly be brought back for a farewell tour, and if he decides to retire Ray Durham's available. Is Pedro Feliz a free agent? No matter. He can be had for only two or three B-grade arms.

2009 is going to be awesome.

Breaking News: Jeff Kent is a Prick

2008-08-17T09:27:00.000-07:00

Jeff Kent grew up in Orange County, which is usually reason enough to go to the mat for a dude. Not to mention his unironic 'stache rocks harder (rocks harder?) than Harry Reems'. But Jesus frickin' Christ, it's Vin Scully. Vin freakin' Scully. Vin Scully? Is Simers' next column going to highlight Kent's distaste for cancer kids? Does The 'Stache club baby seals in the off season?

Maybe it's just his ham handed way of explaining Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc? He just wanted to demonstrate that just because his 40-year-old bat seemed to come alive after the acquisition of the most feared right-handed bat of this generation, that doesn't mean that his 40-year-old bat came alive because of the acquisition of the most feared right-handed bat of this generation. And oh by the way, fuck Vin Scully. Duly noted. He did go to Berkeley, right?

Breaking News: McCourt Not Worst MLB Owner

2008-08-15T09:26:00.000-07:00

From Newsday via SPORTSbyBROOKS:

26. Frank McCourt, Dodgers. There have to be days when Joe Torre thinks to himself, "I miss the Steinbrenners. Shoot, I even miss Randy Levine." Yes, Joe must be happier now with Manny Ramirez aboard, but that spoke largely to dumb luck, rather than any vision on the Dodgers' parts. McCourt has exhibited an itchy trigger finger on GMs and managers, and while he has spent money (poorly, on GM Ned Colletti's bad recommendations) over the past few winters, he refused to take on salary during the season. Very odd.

While it's hard to put much stock into a list that has Jerry Reinsdorf near the top - Do you get credit for winning the World Series if you do it despite trading Carlos Lee for Scott Podsednick? - 26 seems like a good spot for Fox Redux.

The McCourt/Colletti Cabal of Ineptitude has no apparent plan and as a result is losing valuable hearts, eyes and dollars to the other Los Angeles. And replacing The Piece with Larry Lucchino or Theo Epstein or freakin' Branch Rickey (he was good, right?) is not the answer unless you have a plan. Whomever (whoever?) McCourt hires needs to have a plan (can you say philosophy if it's just baseball?) and be given the room to run with it. Kinda like what The Robot was doing.

Get your mug out of the camera Frank. Don't worry, if the team wins you'll get the credit. Until then, you get the blame.

And by the way, the Dodgers just swept four from the Phillies.

The Hits Just Keep on Comin'

2008-08-14T19:56:00.000-07:00

From Tony Jackson:

The Dodgers are believed to be in discussions with the Washington Nationals about a possible trade that would bring veteran infielder Ronnie Belliard to Los Angeles. The Nationals withdrew Belliard from the waiver wire after at least one team, the Dodgers, put in a claim on him. But because the Dodgers were the team that would have acquired Belliard, by rules, the Nationals still can trade him to that club.

For Real?

Is there a shitty utility man that is not currently on the Dodgers roster? Is Bob Bailor available?

Not that it needs to be elucidated, but this is why The Piece sucks so bad. Here's a guy that can't crack the lineup on the worst team in the league, AND has another year on his deal for the bargain price of $2 million. How can you not sign him? That way he can block the progress of Chin-Lung Hu for the rest of this season and all of next year.

What's even better is that Jim Bowden, who might be the biggest toolbox in the league were it not for Colletti, realizes he's got a live one, and rather than let Belliard go for the contract relief is going to weasel a prospect out of the deal.

Unless the deal includes any combination of Juan Pierre, Andruw (Andruw?) Jones or the money owed to Esteban Loaiza...oh never mind.

Update from Dylan Hernandez:

...The Dodgers put in a waiver claim on Ronnie Belliard, making it possible for them to acquire the second baseman from Washington in a trade. But it appears the Dodgers made the move to prevent Belliard from going to Arizona, which lost Orlando Hudson for the season...

You're off the hook Ned. But it's still the kind of move you'd pull. Although why block this move? Belliard's not good and your rival wants him. Apparently worth it for the gamesmanship. Should've blocked than Dunn deal. Not like Cincy's going to dump him on you.

If I Had My Way, I Would Tear This Whole Building Down

2008-08-14T19:02:00.000-07:00

Manny has finally cut his dreads..sort of. Everyone knows that ballplayers are superstitious, and this blog loves ManRam. But this is a blessing. That is the most bootleg collection of dreads known to man. Those things can't come off quick enough.

Forget those dreads and get with these.